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TheTome /
ShadowVsManYou are on the archive wiki. The new wiki is here. Welcome to an even smaller recess of my head, BE AFRAID.Please read the preamble, it is important to at least understand the context a little.This page is based to a large extent on my bullshit and stuff that's really bothering me If you are a man casting a shadow, I reckon it might disturb you to read on. Normality doesn't live here any more. Happy smily this is not. I don't claim to have answers to life's questions, I merely pose more questions which may point in the direction of more pertinant issues of a tormented mind which may or may not help people to gain perspective. To a certain extent I suppose this is inspired by my admiration of what has been done in ColdChamber, since he decided to put a piece of himself out there for all to see. Bigtime respect mate. I'm sad to see that there have been no further installments since the admirer incident. If you feel out of your depth to any extent, TURN BACK NOW! Go back to SeanRantsAboutStuff and be statisfied that you at least had a peek in here. ShadowVsManArchive - 18/08/03 to 20/02/04 It's been a while.. -23/03/06Well, those of you who've known me over the years and are on top of recent events will know I'm back in the thick of things. Add a dash of seal clubbing here, a large dose of guilt there and pickle with Stroh 80. Each time I go through this cycle I feel like I lose something more to the darkness within me and I can't help but think: Is there actually a point to fighting it? Will I eventually lose whatever I decide to do now? Dangerous questions indeed, but I suppose that's the price I pay for being intense. If you give everything you have to something in the hope that it will succeed and it lands up being your issues and shortcomings that cause it to fail then you're bound to have a transaction fee subtracted from your account. I don't regret making the initial decision, but I made mistakes that I will never forgive myself or expect anyone else to forgive me for. The point of all this is that the person doing to breaking up is not necessarily the person who comes out better from the deal, guilt leaves a scar on your soul that time will never be able to truly erase. The warm depths.. -20/04/06Stop swimming upwards as the sun fades beyond the distant surface of the water, sinking further. Swim downwards and find out what's really down there, let the burning of the nonexistent air in your chest become the fire to fuel the soul. The calm of the depths is truly something amazing to behold with clarity like no other. Oblivion, destiny, peace. As the ash that remains of the new beginnings blows far away in the wind because of my weakness and stupidity I am left to face the true horror inside. Came across something that expresses better than I part of what I feel: http://www.muse.mu/ I won't stand in your way and I won't hold you back this is the last time I'll abandon you look to the stars this is the last time I'll abandon you this is the last time I'll abandon you 99% Shadow.. -21/04/06Time to pay the bills. No debt can be put off indefinitely unless the place that holds you in its grasp suddenly ceases to be. This is not an option, not yet. The world needs to be shown a few things first before I fade completely. The remaining 1% will hold the fort as long as it takes. Letting this exquisite pain flow through rather than fighting it brings a sense of calm unrivalled by any drug since no drug can calm the soul, only the body containing it. A passing thought asks if these dark stains creeping across my skin will be permanent, will I ever be forgiven for the sins and pain I've caused in in the process of violating my own existence? Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew Tiptoe to your room\A starlight in the gloom Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from your grace There's nowhere left to hide\In no one to confide Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from grace Our wrongs remain unrectified\And our souls won't be exhumed Why fight? -23/04/06I can't do this any more. In one evening I am confronted with all three of the people I have hurt in my existence. The very three events that have made me question my humanity. I will never be able to repair any of them or absolve myself of the guilt derived from that pain I caused. Do I deserve this? I no longer wish to fight. I no longer wish to exist, but I am forced to do so by my own inability to terminate this obviously doomed path I walk. I love them, all three, but how many people can one heart love at the same time? I would welcome a swift end to this now, but instead I will continue looking for strength and hope that another miracle happens. At this rate I won't be able to stand up. Ultimate defeat: Not yet -24/04/06The toxic dose of the guilt weighs heavy but my legs will not give in. If we could all erase the past as we see fit we'd be ignoring the very harsh things that have contributed strongly to the forging of our souls, or at least mine. So then the question is one that was touched on briefly in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Is it better to know the horrors and be burdened with them than it is the forget them along with their lessons but allow oneself to be 'happy'? For me I'm content to walk the tight alley between numb oblivion where the soul shuts down and the searing pain where no sanity can exist, the place where the the pain has a sweet taste. Yes, pain can be sweet and and stable, but only if you can turn it into energy that allows you to function. In a strange way it's addictive being able to exist like this, even though it requires certain moral flexibilities to be in place regarding relationships and reckless driving but these risks are acceptable for now. I won't be able to hide here forever, but for the next week I have someone helping me with the balance as the positive influence against the negative influence of the demons in me. If I can bring warmth to her and to myself at the same time it's a good thing right? I guess we'll just have to see what emerges from the chrysalis when I make to move to jhb... Drugs -26/04/06I breathe in and it intoxicates me. The burning pain signals the realisation that my soul is trying to claw its way back into the game only to be pulled back down by everything, white hot lava in my veins burning the cold inner-linings of my soul. It felt good. Too good. I know I'm not able to run properly on that fuel right now and possibly for quite some time after. My psyche now feels heavy and burdened with all of the guilt I've amassed up until this point, longing to sink back into the darkness where the black stains on my skin seem to blend into everything else. I'm not going to try an dpenetrate the layer of randomness and insanity yet because I know I won't make it all the way through and get corrupted by its influence so there wouldn't be a point. I'm 'happy' to wallow for now. The blackened wings weakened by the light, he realises that he cannot turn around now. Strength will return once the clouds cover the sun again and stability can return in the embrace of night. When no eyes can see the horrors that lurk around every corner but rather become the horror and live from the other point of view. Forget "be the ball". Be the pain. The Zuma approach -10/05/06No shower can wash this blood away, the blood stains run deep inside and beneath the skin. They are mine to keep as a reminder of what I am capable of doing to another human being. The cold air of the highveld feels like nothing compared to the tundra I must now face within myself. Anyone can fall off a great height once they are there. It can take one wrong step or a serious of connected wrong footings but it can happen. One falls inch by inch, fighting every step of the way until there's no strength left. Just like before I thought I couldn't go any further down. Wrong. Where does one find the strength to set out once more from under the warm blanket of denial and once again through the horrifying realities of the troubled mind before even reaching the foothills of where you once were? Guess I'm going to have to become a case study. The subconscious will no longer allow the deficit between perception and reality to continue so forward is the only way, we'll see what emerges. I think this is why weak minds cling to religion and become fanatic (I'm talking His People kind of level). They can't summon the strength to face reality so they delude themselves into thinking that some omnipotent higher power is given them special attention and strength to live their lives and bring others into the fold to be 'saved'. more like twisted and psychologically mangled. Sinner -04/06/06People very seldom take stock of their sins. I think it's a healthy way of pruning the ego back to where it should be, since people so often view themselves as the pinnacle of morality etc. but frequently become angry when sins are brought to their attention. The reason? Cognitive dissonance between their self image and factual accounts of things that heavily contradict these. I like to believe I'm a good, strong person. But the sins of my past have put big question marks all over that so today I list the major sins, the ones I see in my nightmares, in my heart and in my soul (listed chronologically for no good reason and with ratings 10 being satanic and 1 being misdemeanor): 1) Letter to the Asylum - 7/10 Yes it's cryptic, and that's the way it should be. The point is the scores. How many 10's should a person have? Am I that person? Should I resign myself to committing those atrocities now and in the future? Questions we all should ask. 57 -06/06/06...is what it adds up to. It might as well be kilograms sitting on my shoulders, clouding my mind. These hands were made to carry the weight, born to shed the blood that binds these sins into one being - me. But to carry is not enough because if I can carry it I can wield it as the weapon it truly is. If I was born for this then it's probably about time. I know the weaknesses of the human mind, and to test them all one needs to do is open a crack and wedge something dangerous in there - something that can only be found once the fire has died down. Buried in the ashes of greatness something glints: Sharp, angry. Retribution. Dialogue With The Stars -30/06/06Yes, I'm having a bit of an In Flames moment: It's not so much the pain, It's more the actual knife If I ever... if I never... Take this life, I'm right here - In Flames - Take This Life I sleep with nightmares showing me where my soul is still bleeding, I awake to the the realities of a haunted existence. What am I becoming? Is the only way to escape the nightmare to become it? "Eatin' people alive? Where's that get fun?" -Jayne Cobb, Serenity The Sun! IT BURNS! -06/06/06I don't deserve redemption. Not yet anyway, but still it shows itself. I gave someone something expecting my only reward to be the smile and yet here it is in front of my eyes. To turn it aside hurt but was necessary. Carry on my wayward son Once I rose above the noise and confusion Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man Carry on my wayward son Kansas - Carry On My Wayward Son Painted into a 5-dimensional corner -24/07/06Why after so much sleep do I still feel exhausted? My dreams tell me what I want and I wake up into a reality where I cannot have it. They tell me I want specific people and I want specific words, but they are things I will never hear. To feel the warmth in my soul in a dream and have it ripped out as reality pulls you back, slipping into a nice warm coma seems an appealing option. These days I can think of so many souls that I can help, but to do it I need to get close to them. Too close. If I commit to one then I must reject the others, hurting them and doing what I have sworn not to albeit not nearly as severely. However, being close to them all is likely to hurt them all the most. Some of them have moved away to others, which would ordinarily hurt me but in this case I am happy for them. I'm not ready to shine that brightly for any one person just yet. That would be risking a supernova, more soul-addiction and inevitabley more pain for all involved. I have so many wrongs still to make right, but I feel myself flying towards sin Number 11 (see Sinner -04/06/06), and this is going to be a nine or ten out of 10. So the big question is this: Are 3 4/10's better than one 10/10? When something keeps us alive \ We rest till death Endo - Simple Lies I'll say this much: To live is to die. Number 11 - the card of Justice -28/07/06So tarot takes it's opportunity to laugh at me again. I have to commit, to leave 3, 4 and 8 behind in the dust I must commit number 11 and risk 12 since whatever I do now somebody apart from me will get hurt in the way I prayed never to have to do again. As I start spreading these wings of mine I can feel the hastily sewn stitches start to break and open the wounds. Not all of them though, and it is with caution that I step outside into this thing called 'reality' to search once more for the pieces of my heart. I broke it this time and I know I scattered them in very inconvenient places so it'll be a long journey I haven't got the strength for yet. Curse these weak, blackened, bleeding wings. But hey, it's a challenge I suppose.. Icarus was an idiot -31/07/06He didn't fly fast enough, he wasted his time on foolish optimism. If he'd admitted that his father was right he could have flown faster and higher before falling to his death. My problem is more complicated but I am no less of an idiot. I have the power to change two lives. One I can show a blinding light and watch her shine and dance in in. The other I can save from destroying itself, but i would be flying close too close to keep my promise to the first. To save the one I must betray the other, but I can't bear to think of what it is I'll have to watch destroy itself - a tragic beauty that only needs an injection of faith and trust. The only answer is to break off another piece of myself and try and accomplish both. There will be lies, there will be tears, but when I'm done I hope I have achieved both goals. We all build up lies that let us pretend we can't see the horrors of reality: one-way love, betrayal, lies, blood on our hands. The more we lie the more we smother the fire in our souls that we are all born with, fool ourselves into thinking we're 'happy'. That's not happiness, it's the relief of not having to feel.. or truly be. Real happiness is in the eyes of true love, looking back with the same intensity and filling your soul with an infinite loop. What do we become once we've stabbed those eyes out? A shadow, lurking on the edges of the world and hiding from the very light we need to arise again. Hollow and dark with the pain that haunts our days and curses our dreams. Does redemption even exist? And if it does, is the piece I'm breaking of to pursue it going to be too high a cost for knowing I tried to make the world right many souls at a time? Weigh it up against the guilt and numbness feels so much better and comforting doesn't it? I am hopeless romantic trapped inside a martyr that is too stubborn to die. The darkness that feeds, the irony that bleeds. 5 to 1 Ratio -12/09/06September 12th, just doesn't have the same ring to it now does it? Last night i realised something quite significant. I am in the process of attempting to negate my own existence, a heart that has room for 5 and a moral spine that only allows for one is a train-wreck in a can. The Academic, The Lost Soul, The Free Spirit, The Past, The Aviator. All of them have something unique and special about them, and to some extent i believe I can make them happy and give their souls some warmth that they need. Fear and panic in the air \ I want to be free I can't get it right \ Get it right \ Since I met you Loneliness be over \ When will loneliness be over? Muse - Map of the Problematique What will happen if i cross the line and break Rule No. 2 (no cheating, ever)? Will the house of cards I've built come crashing down? What will remain or be released into this world? Here's hoping that never happens... No-one's Going to Take Me Alive -26/09/06Ever wake up knowing that you've just dreamt of something so wrong it makes you want to throw up? The more you try and rationalise it the more you understand it's actually what you want and can't bring yourself to consciously think it when you're awake. When the battle spills over into your waking moments you know it's time to act. Too bad I have no idea what to do. Nearly been breached twice morally speaking, two new candidates in the mix and one's a real firecracker. What have I done? This is not a good position to be in. Put me inside flesh that is dying \ A ghost that wanders without rest VAST - Don't Take Your Love Away Tonight I wander straight back into the place where I'm sure temptation will be waiting again. My wings feel especially dark and heavy but i must go on, I'm not going to give up until my soul is lifeless. To run away from the temptation is to admit defeat, admit it's stronger than me. I will not do that, it will be overcome or i will break in the attempt to do so. No-ones gonna take me alive \ The time has come to make things right Muse - Knights of Cydonia Tear of Blood -04/10/06A scratch on the face is nothing compared to a scratch on the soul. Today I have both, one mirroring the other. A single tear representing the path I have to follow. I is time to become what i have always be afraid to be, unlock the potential that has frightened me every time I have seen it... and harness it. Sin Number 8 can no longer be ignored or be the objective of any more hope. My body must be streamlined to do what my soul seems to know instinctively to do despite my best efforts - become a weapon. The skillful soldier does not raise a second levy, neither are his supply-wagons loaded more than twice. - Sun Tzu (translation) Add another one to the list -23/10/0611) Rule 2 falls The Inner Yin -10/11/06Every time the transition becomes easier and more natural. Accepting the pain and using it to stand tall. Perhaps it is a better idea to abandon all hope of a functional relationship and simply help those that i can with their souls where i find them. The Aviator cannot help me now it would seem and another piece of myself will be lost if I must leave her. The undeniably sweet taste of the night struck me last night again for the first time in a while. The sign that the 2nd funhouse mirror has been passed, and for a while i can relax and fall into ranks with the demons instead of fighting them. Maybe I'm becoming a demon myself? These wings have been feeling.. different.. recently. I can see inside people's souls like never before and it's going to break my moral framework because my life's purpose is to help where i can.. Curse this crippled and disfunctional soul! May it help a few more before I'm unable to revive it any more. Forgive me Not -01/12/06The only way now is forward, not asking for absolution or expecting anyone to understand. I excommunicated one who would not let herself see i was trying to help. A permanent burden of guilt is something I'm accepting I will carry from now on. It's time to take the risk again, but not because I want to breathe but because i want the strength to stand for those who are falling. Beautiful souls are collapsing all around me and no-one does anything. That's going to change, rule number 2 will fall if it gets in the way no question. I failed three people horribly recently, not going to let that get to 4. First i will save the Firecracker from the demons in her mind, the cost will be high but i pay it gladly. Of course this will impact on other things but it seems the Aviator doesn't really need me any more to exist. She's stronger than me despite what she thinks. Whatever the cost i must create some light to offset this darkness before i fade into it entirely. With blood shot eyes I watch you sleeping \ The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading Bullet For My Valentine - Tears Don't Fall Contact me here if you really want to. |