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TheTome /
ColdChamberYou are on the archive wiki. The new wiki is here. Welcome.By coming to this page, you obviously know what you are in for. If not, go away. Go back to yor happy, sun-drenched existence. Misery loves company, and seems to be my companion for this journey I must take. So yes, there will be angst. There will be sadness, and misery, and self-loathing, and self-pity. I didn't ask you to come here. You came here of your own volition... Crimson ---- 31 August 2004 - 13h10"She seems dressed in all the rings / Of past fatalities / So fragile yet so devious / She is everything and more / The solemn hypnotic / My Dahlia bathed in possession / Hard to say what caught my attention / Fixed and crazy / Aphid attraction / I won't let this build up inside of me / I won't let this build up inside of me Yeah! Oh, I'm a slave and / I am a master / No restraints and / Unchecked collectors / I won't let this build up inside of me / I won't let this build up inside of me
She isn't real! / I can't make her real! (She isn't real, I can't make her real) * Slipknot, "Vermilion"
Unflinching ---- 21 October 2003 - 09h45Unmoved. Unflinching. Unyielding. "I can never get out of here / I don't want to just float in fear / A dead astronaut in space"
Portents ---- 10 September 2003 - 19h15How times change. Life seems to pass you by in a happy, care-free kind of way. And then things change. You change. People change. Emotions change. Things you thought you had disappear. New things come into view. Only to be so close, and yet so far. I ask life "why?". I never get an answer. So I send life one, big "fuck you!". It usually bites me back. Hard. Happiness is fleeting. Here, just to keep you going; there, gone as soon as you take your eye off it for even a second. Elusive and nimble. And so one looks for happiness somewhere else. I found happiness. But it was accompanied by stress: stress from myself, and stress from others. And then it went away. Because I could not keep what I had found. Fleeting. Gone. Now I have found happiness again. And again I am faced with the knowledge that what I want I cannot have. It isn't mine to take. And yet I pursue it, I languish in it. Why? I suppose because I have felt the cold that accompanies happiness' absence, and have no desire to return to it's chill touch. And yet I know that I must ultimately return. I cannot keep what I have found. It is not mine to have. But I don't want to leave... Why? Fuck You. (What I have put here has taken a while for me to get out of my system, given the lost-in-history Admirer Incident and the imposed repercussions. It is for everyone to interpret as they see fit. A little piece of me, served up on a shining pedestal for all to see. Judge me if you will - if you are so inclined - but know that I make my own choices, just as you all are free to make your own choices. I live with the choices I've made. Every day, haunted by my own mistakes and wrongs...) So, FadeToBlack, here is my new entry. You have closed your soul to others, for reasons I understand well; I re-open mine. "You can stare / But you'll never see / It's something inside me"
"It's like I'm paranoid / Lookin' over my back / It's like a whirlwind / Inside of my head / It's like I can't stop / But I'm hearing within / It's like the faces that are right / Beneath my skin"
"I want to heal / I want to feel / What I thought was never real / I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain 'til it's gone) / I want to heal / I want to feel / Like I'm close to something real / I want to find something I've wanted all along / Somewhere I Belong"
Emptiness ---- 24/03/2003 - 14h45Today I stopped. And stood still. And let the rain fall. The cold penetrates the skin, inching it's way throught the skin, chilling you through your clothes, down to the muscle and bone beneath. The rain, by comparison, is not as cold. It is still cold, and as it first hits your face, you feel the cold. But the cold soon turns to "warmth", only because your skin is colder than the rain. The cold drops hit you again and again, peppering your face until eventually they cannot be felt at all - your face is numbed by the cold barrage. And as I let it patter on my face, I felt it run down my neck, and into my clothes. I felt the rain's chill touch, and let it freeze me. Because it simply feels better frozen than being warm and alive. And they continue to walk past me, knowing nothing, feeling nothing, happy in their warm, content little worlds - worlds unknown to me. "Now I see the times they change / leaving doesn't seems so strange /
Oubliette ---- 20/03/2003 - 08h53Imagine a black room. Completely black. Wall-to-wall, "midnight void" all-purpose black. No windows, no lights, no furniture. The only thing it has is aircon. Now, switch the aircon on. Make it freezer temperature - you know, when you open the freezer, and feel the cold air waft out - that temperature. Stand in the room, with only shorts and a t-shirt on. Imagine the feeling. No sound, no sight. Only darkness so thick you can't even see your feet, but you know they're there, hope they're there. Complete absence of light. Just the cold air rushing, surrounding you, causing your skin to almost shrink away from the lack of heat, but with nowhere to really go. And no matter how hard you try to keep warm, and hold on tightly to yourself, it doesn't matter - the cold is relentless, you can't find the door, you can't see the aircon's on/off switch. Imagine. Try really hard. "Then I'll let the / Darkness cover me / Deny everything / Slowly walk away / To breathe again / On my own" * Disturbed, "Darkness"
And yet I still pretend I'm happy... |