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TheTome /
ShadowVsManTheTome.ShadowVsMan HistoryHide minor edits - Show changes to output December 01, 2006, at 01:17 PM
by - absolution
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!!Forgive me Not -01/12/06 The only way now is forward, not asking for absolution or expecting anyone to understand. I excommunicated one who would not let herself see i was trying to help. A permanent burden of guilt is something I'm accepting I will carry from now on. It's time to take the risk again, but not because I want to breathe but because i want the strength to stand for those who are falling. Beautiful souls are collapsing all around me and no-one does anything. That's going to change, rule number 2 will fall if it gets in the way no question. I failed three people horribly recently, not going to let that get to 4. First i will save the Firecracker from the demons in her mind, the cost will be high but i pay it gladly. Of course this will impact on other things but it seems the Aviator doesn't really need me any more to exist. She's stronger than me despite what she thinks. Whatever the cost i must create some light to offset this darkness before i fade into it entirely. With blood shot eyes I watch you sleeping \ The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading\\ Would she hear me if I called her name? \ Would she hold me if she knew my shame?\\ Bullet For My Valentine - ''Tears Don't Fall'' ---- November 10, 2006, at 12:57 PM
by - ..and behind mirror No. 2:...
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!!The Inner [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin-Yang|Yin]] -10/11/06 Every time the transition becomes easier and more natural. Accepting the pain and using it to stand tall. Perhaps it is a better idea to abandon all hope of a functional relationship and simply help those that i can with their souls where i find them. The Aviator cannot help me now it would seem and another piece of myself will be lost if I must leave her. The undeniably sweet taste of the night struck me last night again for the first time in a while. The sign that the 2nd funhouse mirror has been passed, and for a while i can relax and fall into ranks with the demons instead of fighting them. Maybe I'm becoming a demon myself? These wings have been feeling.. different.. recently. I can see inside people's souls like never before and it's going to break my moral framework because my life's purpose is to help where i can.. Curse this crippled and disfunctional soul! May it help a few more before I'm unable to revive it any more. ---- Added lines 322-326:
!!Add another one to the list -23/10/06 11) Rule 2 falls ---- Added lines 312-321:
!!Tear of Blood -04/10/06 A scratch on the face is nothing compared to a scratch on the soul. Today I have both, one mirroring the other. A single tear representing the path I have to follow. I is time to become what i have always be afraid to be, unlock the potential that has frightened me every time I have seen it... and harness it. Sin Number 8 can no longer be ignored or be the objective of any more hope. My body must be streamlined to do what my soul seems to know instinctively to do despite my best efforts - become a weapon. ''The skillful soldier does not raise a second levy, neither are his supply-wagons loaded more than twice.'' - Sun Tzu (translation) ---- September 26, 2006, at 03:28 PM
by - Moral degeneration
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!!No-one's Going to Take Me Alive -26/09/06 Ever wake up knowing that you've just dreamt of something so wrong it makes you want to throw up? The more you try and rationalise it the more you understand it's actually what you want and can't bring yourself to consciously think it when you're awake. When the battle spills over into your waking moments you know it's time to act. Too bad I have no idea what to do. Nearly been breached twice morally speaking, two new candidates in the mix and one's a real firecracker. What have I done? This is not a good position to be in. Put me inside flesh that is dying \ A ghost that wanders without rest \\ Buried by desires and weakness \ I understand \\ VAST - ''Don't Take Your Love Away'' Tonight I wander straight back into the place where I'm sure temptation will be waiting again. My wings feel especially dark and heavy but i must go on, I'm not going to give up until my soul is lifeless. To run away from the temptation is to admit defeat, admit it's stronger than me. I will not do that, it will be overcome or i will break in the attempt to do so. No-ones gonna take me alive \ The time has come to make things right \\ You and I must fight for our rights \ You and I must fight to survive \\ Muse - ''Knights of Cydonia'' ---- Changed lines 277-283 from:
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Loneliness be over \ When will loneliness be over?\\ Life \ Will flash before my eyes\\ So scattered and lost \ I Want To Touch The Other Side\\ And No one thinks they are to blame \ Why can't we see\\ That when we bleed we bleed the same September 12, 2006, at 07:37 AM
by - 5:1 is not a good ratio
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!!5 to 1 Ratio -12/09/06 September 12th, just doesn't have the same ring to it now does it? Last night i realised something quite significant. I am in the process of attempting to negate my own existence, a heart that has room for 5 and a moral spine that only allows for one is a train-wreck in a can. The Academic, The Lost Soul, The Free Spirit, The Past, The Aviator. All of them have something unique and special about them, and to some extent i believe I can make them happy and give their souls some warmth that they need. Fear and panic in the air \ I want to be free\\ From desolation and despair \ And I feel like everything I sow\\ Is being swept away \ Well I refuse to let you go\\ I can't get it right \ Get it right \ Since I met you Muse - ''Map of the Problematique'' What will happen if i cross the line and break Rule No. 2 (no cheating, ''ever'')? Will the house of cards I've built come crashing down? What will remain or be released into this world? Here's hoping that never happens... ---- July 31, 2006, at 08:19 PM
by - Icarus
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!!Icarus was an idiot -31/07/06 He didn't fly fast enough, he wasted his time on foolish optimism. If he'd admitted that his father was right he could have flown faster and higher before falling to his death. My problem is more complicated but I am no less of an idiot. I have the power to change two lives. One I can show a blinding light and watch her shine and dance in in. The other I can save from destroying itself, but i would be flying close too close to keep my promise to the first. To save the one I must betray the other, but I can't bear to think of what it is I'll have to watch destroy itself - a tragic beauty that only needs an injection of faith and trust. The only answer is to break off another piece of myself and try and accomplish both. There will be lies, there will be tears, but when I'm done I hope I have achieved both goals. We all build up lies that let us pretend we can't see the horrors of reality: one-way love, betrayal, lies, blood on our hands. The more we lie the more we smother the fire in our souls that we are all born with, fool ourselves into thinking we're 'happy'. That's not happiness, it's the relief of not having to feel.. or truly be. Real happiness is in the eyes of true love, looking back with the same intensity and filling your soul with an infinite loop. What do we become once we've stabbed those eyes out? A shadow, lurking on the edges of the world and hiding from the very light we need to arise again. Hollow and dark with the pain that haunts our days and curses our dreams. Does redemption even exist? And if it does, is the piece I'm breaking of to pursue it going to be too high a cost for knowing I tried to make the world right many souls at a time? Weigh it up against the guilt and numbness feels so much better and comforting doesn't it? I am hopeless romantic trapped inside a martyr that is too stubborn to die. The darkness that feeds, the irony that bleeds. ---- Added lines 241-249:
!!Number 11 - the card of Justice -28/07/06 So tarot takes it's opportunity to laugh at me again. I have to commit, to leave 3, 4 and 8 behind in the dust I must commit number 11 and risk 12 since whatever I do now somebody apart from me will get hurt in the way I prayed never to have to do again. As I start spreading these wings of mine I can feel the hastily sewn stitches start to break and open the wounds. Not all of them though, and it is with caution that I step outside into this thing called 'reality' to search once more for the pieces of my heart. I broke it this time and I know I scattered them in very inconvenient places so it'll be a long journey I haven't got the strength for yet. Curse these weak, blackened, bleeding wings. But hey, it's a challenge I suppose.. ---- July 24, 2006, at 10:03 AM
by - In a corner
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!!Painted into a 5-dimensional corner -24/07/06 Why after so much sleep do I still feel exhausted? My dreams tell me what I want and I wake up into a reality where I cannot have it. They tell me I want specific people and I want specific words, but they are things I will never hear. To feel the warmth in my soul in a dream and have it ripped out as reality pulls you back, slipping into a nice warm coma seems an appealing option. These days I can think of so many souls that I can help, but to do it I need to get close to them. Too close. If I commit to one then I must reject the others, hurting them and doing what I have sworn not to albeit not nearly as severely. However, being close to them all is likely to hurt them all the most. Some of them have moved away to others, which would ordinarily hurt me but in this case I am happy for them. I'm not ready to shine that brightly for any one person just yet. That would be risking a supernova, more soul-addiction and inevitabley more pain for all involved. I have so many wrongs still to make right, but I feel myself flying towards sin Number 11 (see Sinner -04/06/06), and this is going to be a nine or ten out of 10. So the big question is this: Are 3 4/10's better than one 10/10? When something keeps us alive \ We rest till death\\ I try to keep myself back \ Together again\\ Besides, Besides \ Besides, Besides\\ Simple lies \ Are what we are\\ And what we have \ Won't hurt anymore\\ Endo - ''Simple Lies'' I'll say this much: To live is to die. ---- Changed lines 210-215 from:
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Carry on my wayward son\\ There'll be peace when you are done\\ Lay your weary head to rest\\ Don't you cry no more\\ July 06, 2006, at 09:45 PM
by - Carson Daly
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!!The Sun! IT BURNS! -06/06/06 I don't deserve redemption. Not yet anyway, but still it shows itself. I gave someone something expecting my only reward to be the smile and yet here it is in front of my eyes. To turn it aside hurt but was necessary. Carry on my wayward son\\ There'll be peace when you are done\\ Lay your weary head to rest\\ Don't you cry no more\\ Once I rose above the noise and confusion\\ Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion\\ I was soaring ever higher\\ But I flew too high\\ Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man\\ Though my mind could think I still was a mad man\\ I hear the voices when I'm dreaming\\ I can hear them say\\ Kansas - ''Carry On My Wayward Son'' ---- June 30, 2006, at 07:57 AM
by - Reality conversion matrix for sale, one owner - no use for it.
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!!Dialogue With The Stars -30/06/06 Yes, I'm having a bit of an In Flames moment: It's not so much the pain, It's more the actual knife\\ Pretending the picture is perfect, I cut myself to sleep \\ I close my eyes for a second, And meet a fragile soul \\ I scream to hide that I'm lonely, The echo calls my name \\ If I ever... if I never... \\ Make me understand the thought whatever \\ Make me see... make me be... \\ Make me understand you're there for me \\ Take this life, I'm right here \\ Stay a while and breathe me in\\ - In Flames - ''Take This Life'' I sleep with nightmares showing me where my soul is still bleeding, I awake to the the realities of a haunted existence. What am I becoming? Is the only way to escape the nightmare to become it? "''Eatin' people alive? Where's that get fun?''" -Jayne Cobb, Serenity ---- June 06, 2006, at 08:16 PM
by - ...is not enough
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!!57 -06/06/06 ...is what it adds up to. It might as well be kilograms sitting on my shoulders, clouding my mind. These hands were made to carry the weight, born to shed the blood that binds these sins into one being - me. But to carry is not enough because if I can carry it I can wield it as the weapon it truly is. If I was born for this then it's probably about time. I know the weaknesses of the human mind, and to test them all one needs to do is open a crack and wedge something dangerous in there - something that can only be found once the fire has died down. Buried in the ashes of greatness something glints: Sharp, angry. Retribution. ---- Changed lines 135-144 from:
1) Letter to the Asylum - 7/10 2) Lie in my Heart - 5/10 3) First Love's Assassination (part 1) - 8/10 4) First Love's Assassination (part 2) - 10/10 5) Mercy to the Succubus and the Silent Rage - 1/10 7) Sucker Punch to the Heart - 4/10 8) First Love's Assassination (part 3) - 10/10 9) The Phoenix - 3/10 10) Broken Oath to a Shattered Heart - 9/10 to:
1) Letter to the Asylum - 7/10\\ 2) Lie in my Heart - 5/10\\ 3) First Love's Assassination (part 1) - 8/10\\ 4) First Love's Assassination (part 2) - 10/10\\ 5) Mercy to the Succubus and the Silent Rage - 1/10\\ 7) Sucker Punch to the Heart - 4/10\\ 8) First Love's Assassination (part 3) - 10/10\\ 9) The Phoenix - 3/10\\ 10) Broken Oath to a Shattered Heart - 9/10\\ June 04, 2006, at 11:58 AM
by - Ask yourself big questions
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!!Sinner -04/06/06 People very seldom take stock of their sins. I think it's a healthy way of pruning the ego back to where it should be, since people so often view themselves as the pinnacle of morality etc. but frequently become angry when sins are brought to their attention. The reason? Cognitive dissonance between their self image and factual accounts of things that heavily contradict these. I like to believe I'm a good, strong person. But the sins of my past have put big question marks all over that so today I list the major sins, the ones I see in my nightmares, in my heart and in my soul (listed chronologically for no good reason and with ratings 10 being satanic and 1 being misdemeanor): 1) Letter to the Asylum - 7/10 2) Lie in my Heart - 5/10 3) First Love's Assassination (part 1) - 8/10 4) First Love's Assassination (part 2) - 10/10 5) Mercy to the Succubus and the Silent Rage - 1/10 7) Sucker Punch to the Heart - 4/10 8) First Love's Assassination (part 3) - 10/10 9) The Phoenix - 3/10 10) Broken Oath to a Shattered Heart - 9/10 Yes it's cryptic, and that's the way it should be. The point is the scores. How many 10's should a person have? Am I that person? Should I resign myself to committing those atrocities now and in the future? Questions we all should ask. ---- May 10, 2006, at 01:04 PM
by - From way up country. More.
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!!The Zuma approach -10/05/06 No shower can wash this blood away, the blood stains run deep inside and beneath the skin. They are mine to keep as a reminder of what I am capable of doing to another human being. The cold air of the highveld feels like nothing compared to the tundra I must now face within myself. Anyone can fall off a great height once they are there. It can take one wrong step or a serious of connected wrong footings but it can happen. One falls inch by inch, fighting every step of the way until there's no strength left. Just like before I thought I couldn't go any further down. ''Wrong''. Where does one find the strength to set out once more from under the warm blanket of denial and once again through the horrifying realities of the troubled mind before even reaching the foothills of where you once were? Guess I'm going to have to become a case study. The subconscious will no longer allow the deficit between perception and reality to continue so forward is the only way, we'll see what emerges. I think this is why weak minds cling to religion and become fanatic (I'm talking ''His'' ''People'' kind of level). They can't summon the strength to face reality so they delude themselves into thinking that some omnipotent higher power is given them special attention and strength to live their lives and bring others into the fold to be 'saved'. more like twisted and psychologically mangled. ---- Added lines 114-122:
!!Drugs -26/04/06 I breathe in and it intoxicates me. The burning pain signals the realisation that my soul is trying to claw its way back into the game only to be pulled back down by everything, white hot lava in my veins burning the cold inner-linings of my soul. It felt good. Too good. I know I'm not able to run properly on that fuel right now and possibly for quite some time after. My psyche now feels heavy and burdened with all of the guilt I've amassed up until this point, longing to sink back into the darkness where the black stains on my skin seem to blend into everything else. I'm not going to try an dpenetrate the layer of randomness and insanity yet because I know I won't make it all the way through and get corrupted by its influence so there wouldn't be a point. I'm 'happy' to wallow for now. The blackened wings weakened by the light, he realises that he cannot turn around now. Strength will return once the clouds cover the sun again and stability can return in the embrace of night. When no eyes can see the horrors that lurk around every corner but rather become the horror and live from the other point of view. Forget [[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080487/quotes|"be the ball"]]. Be the pain. ---- Changed lines 109-110 from:
For me I'm content to walk the tight alley between numb oblivion where the soul shuts down and the searing pain where no sanity can exist, the place where the the pain has a sweet taste. Yes, pain can be sweet and and stable, but only if you can turn it into energy that allows you to function. In a strange way it's addictive being able to exist like this, even though it requires certain moral flexibilities to be in place regarding relationships and to:
For me I'm content to walk the tight alley between numb oblivion where the soul shuts down and the searing pain where no sanity can exist, the place where the the pain has a sweet taste. Yes, pain can be sweet and and stable, but only if you can turn it into energy that allows you to function. In a strange way it's addictive being able to exist like this, even though it requires certain moral flexibilities to be in place regarding relationships and reckless driving but these risks are acceptable for now. Changed lines 111-112 from:
I won't be able to hide here forever, but for the next week I have someone helping me with the balance as the positive influence against the negative influence of the demons in me. If to:
I won't be able to hide here forever, but for the next week I have someone helping me with the balance as the positive influence against the negative influence of the demons in me. If I can bring warmth to her and to myself at the same time it's a good thing right? I guess we'll just have to see what emerges from the chrysalis when I make to move to jhb... Changed lines 111-112 from:
I won't be able to hide here forever, but for the next week I to:
I won't be able to hide here forever, but for the next week I have someone helping me with the balance as the positive influence against the negative influence of the demons in me. If i can bring warmth to her and to myself atthe same time it's aggod thing right? I guess we'll just have to see what emerges from the chrysalis when I make to move to jhb... April 24, 2006, at 09:21 AM
by - Why are there so few people posting? This is not good. The Wiki must not die.
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I no longer wish to fight. I no longer wish to exist, but I am forced to do so by to:
I no longer wish to fight. I no longer wish to exist, but I am forced to do so by my own inability to terminate this obviously doomed path I walk. I love them, all three, but how many people can one heart love at the same time? I would welcome a swift end to this now, but instead I will continue looking for strength and hope that another miracle happens. At this rate I won't be able to stand up. Added lines 105-113:
!!Ultimate defeat: Not yet -24/04/06 The toxic dose of the guilt weighs heavy but my legs will not give in. If we could all erase the past as we see fit we'd be ignoring the very harsh things that have contributed strongly to the forging of our souls, or at least mine. So then the question is one that was touched on briefly in [[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338013/|Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind]]: Is it better to know the horrors and be burdened with them than it is the forget them along with their lessons but allow oneself to be 'happy'? For me I'm content to walk the tight alley between numb oblivion where the soul shuts down and the searing pain where no sanity can exist, the place where the the pain has a sweet taste. Yes, pain can be sweet and and stable, but only if you can turn it into energy that allows you to function. In a strange way it's addictive being able to exist like this, even though it requires certain moral flexibilities to be in place regarding relationships and safety but these risks are acceptable. I won't be able to hide here forever, but for the next week I ahve someone helping me with the balance as the positive influence against the negative influence of the demons in me. I guess we'll just have to see what emerges from the chrysalis... ---- April 23, 2006, at 12:31 AM
by - Losing battles
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!!Why fight? -23/04/06 I can't do this any more. In one evening I am confronted with all three of the people I have hurt in my existence. The very three events that have made me question my humanity. I will never be able to repair any of them or absolve myself of the guilt derived from that pain I caused. Do I deserve this? I no longer wish to fight. I no longer wish to exist, but I am forced to do so by m own inability to terminate this obviously doomed path I walk. I love them, all three, but how many people can one heart love at the same time? I would welcome a swift end to this now, but I will continue looking for strength and hope that another miracle happens. At this rate I won't be able to stand up. ---- April 21, 2006, at 06:16 AM
by - Archived stuff
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!!!Cold... On the way into varsity the wind was really giving me hell when Ir ealised something, not only was it going through my jacket, but it was also going through me. Is my soul really that ventilated by recent events? I stood there for a moment as if in a trance and just let it blow away, trying to feel, deep down in my soul, whether or not there was actually a point in taking another step. Clearly I gave up trying and did it anyway. What's the point, I'm trying to fight for something that isn't here any more as far as I can tell. When nothings left to motivate, what motivates one to find some motivation again? Exactly. !!!Betrayal just rolls off the tongue like a badly balanced smint. I love betrayal, I really do. How most of the time people don't notice it, but I can see it there and I won't pretend that it's not. Off the cuff, here's a snapshot of my current attitude: What is the definition of a friend?\\ A helping hand, a kind word? But when it comes down to it at the end,\\ When your existance feels absurd, A cold shoulder and silence is what you get.\\ Trying to reach out, trying to be nice While I lie here in my grave, cold and very fucking wet.\\ This time Vengance will NOT be thinking twice. So what is it that motivates someone to have this impression in their mind that they are a close mate, and can make demands of your behaviour that impact their lives but fail to take yours into consideration? Yes this IS a direct insult to them and yes the people involved WILL feel the brunt of what they earned because I can't be bothered to let them get away with it. But this still doesn't get me any closer to understanding what it is in the human psyche that allows this sort of contradiction between behaviour and belief? It's shit like this that doesn't help a man get back on his feet, when your so-called support structure crumbles like paper-mache under the world trade center. This of course is not applicable to everyone and I know there are friends out there who do give a shit, and they know who they are. If this raises a question mark in your mind as to which you are just ask me and you'll know soon enough.\\ Friendship is not a handful of dookie to be thrown in the face of others. Being a friend isn't blank cheque. !!!Cards in a hurricane To be honest, I don't particularly see the need to avoid treading on toes these days, what's the point. This existence we all lead seems to always get bogged down in inconsequential crap. Bickering, arguing over whether or not cereal should come in bigger boxes and other shit. It doesn't matter. Our psyches are all just houses of cards built through painstaking effort and experience. It is this experience which hardens us in different ways. For myself, it has taught me that honour above all things is what makes existence possible. Be an island amongst the immoral debauchery around you and at the very least you will be able to feel human and not like an animal. How I wish this were true.\\ The most recent bonus my honour has brought me is the destructive removal of the most crucial card in the entire house: My faith in the L-word. This is the only thing that has allowed me to believe that deep down everyone has the ability to be pure and give unconditionally to another, or be it only for a short time in some cases. Yet somehow the words "Yes, I love you too, but.." never finish off well and leave that faith shattered. If the L-word isn't enough then what is? What is left to motivate me from within if I cannot rely on the one part of me that has saved me when all was lost, time and again? The answer is absolutely nothing. The house will fall, and I'm getting the distinct impression that this house of cards is falling down. So then what is the point of honour, it doesn't seem to be a reward unto itself. !!!The Moral of the story This isn't a cry for help, it's beyond that. It's more a case study for life from someone who has been there and done that. I think it's crucial that everyone knows themselves, because if you don't how can you measure or judge yourself? Before you can properly percieve anything you first need to know where you are coming from i.e. what are you at your core? Once you know what this core is, protect it, because once its gone I really don't think it's coming back. I can tolerate existing with no purpose or meaning, but I'm not so sure that I'm a typical person. A storm is coming, of this I'm sure,\\ And the trees begin to creak and sway. Those with disease and without cure,\\ Pray for their cards to be swept away. Changed lines 21-34 from:
!!It's The heading doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but I thought there needed to be some voicing of my absolute apathy towards this momentously boring event. Everyone seems excited but Anyway. Today !!!Disclaimer The words of a depressed man shouldn't be trusted\\ After unattainable happiness he lusted From Not necessarily realistic reports Cynicysm vs. Truth, you decide what's real\\ This is what Consider yourself warned to:
!!It's been a while.. -23/03/06 Well, those of you who've known me over the years and are on top of recent events will know I'm back in the thick of things. Add a dash of seal clubbing here, a large dose of guilt there and pickle with Stroh 80. Each time I go through this cycle I feel like I lose something more to the darkness within me and I can't help but think: Is there actually a point to fighting it? Will I eventually lose whatever I decide to do now? Dangerous questions indeed, but I suppose that's the price I pay for being intense. If you give everything you have to something in the hope that it will succeed and it lands up being your issues and shortcomings that cause it to fail then you're bound to have a transaction fee subtracted from your account. I don't regret making the initial decision, but I made mistakes that I will never forgive myself or expect anyone else to forgive me for. The point of all this is that the person doing to breaking up is not necessarily the person who comes out better from the deal, guilt leaves a scar on your soul that time will never be able to truly erase. Changed lines 29-38 from:
It seems a least testosterone will not let me down. Much anticipation at arrival of aforemention female person is at least some indicator that there is some humanity remaining within me. Plus I think I feel some alien thing deep down trying to resurrect itself, unsuccessfully as yet: Hope. It's too dangerous though because hope opens up the door for disappointment and rejection, neither of which I am prepared to deal with at this point.\\ Perhaps then I will simply quote form the archives again since the creative spirit is not with me at the mo. Mainly cuz it's not 2AM and I'm not horribly plastered. In the world of comics the hero always has hope because he always triumphs in the end. Here's my view of those kind of guys in the real world: Where have all the superheroes gone?\\ So many battles to fight, none won Not a single mask, leotard or hat\\ They're all saying "Would you like fries with that?" It's really amazing that when someone comes up to you and asks you if you are angry with them you reply in a friendly tone "Of course not! Why would you think that?". This is of course someone who you would gleefully disembowel with a blunt, rusted pickaxe given the opportunity and immunity from prosecution. The more amazing thing is that the person regularly believes you despite circumstantial evidence and your actions for the last week telling them you think they're the largest asshole this side of the equator! Hell I could be sitting next to them and typing this about them and they could ask if it was and I would deny vehemently. Is is just me or is there something very fucked about that? to:
!!The warm depths.. -20/04/06 Stop swimming upwards as the sun fades beyond the distant surface of the water, sinking further. Swim downwards and find out what's really down there, let the burning of the nonexistent air in your chest become the fire to fuel the soul. The calm of the depths is truly something amazing to behold with clarity like no other. Oblivion, destiny, peace. As the ash that remains of the new beginnings blows far away in the wind because of my weakness and stupidity I am left to face the true horror inside. Came across something that expresses better than I part of what I feel: http://www.muse.mu/ I won't stand in your way\\ let your hatred grow\\ and she'll scream\\ and she'll shout\\ and she'll pray\\ and she had a name\\ yeah she had a name and I won't hold you back\\ let your anger rise\\ and we'll fly\\ and we'll fall\\ and we'll burn\\ no one will recall\no one will recall this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could look to the stars\\ let hope burn in your eyes\\ and we'll love\\ and we'll hope\\ and we'll die\\ all to no avail\\ all to no avail this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could\\ I wish I could Changed lines 74-99 from:
!! I should feel like a million bucks this morning. Yesterday was one of those blitzkrieg days where I was germany for once. Finished a 12 page PCU report (with help from my partner of course), caned a test which I hardly even studied for and topped it off with a good amount of extra-curricular activity into the evening That may sound like a very strange thing to say but no matter what Here's a little ditty I came up with while not doing drugs last month, this stuff is getting a bit cliched: After fighting for countless years\\ Shedding litres of tears I have finally run out of meaning\\ Broken the crutch on which I was leaning Now I'm back, face down in the mud\\ Which I once likened to spilled blood However, this time there's no way ahead\\ No other path to take instead I've stumbled, I've fallen, I'm down\\ Just one more dead loser clown !!!There's a storm a-coming.. Much bristling of hairs on backs. A part of me rubs its hands in anticipation of an upcoming "retaliation" <derisive snort>. To re-iterate what I said in SeanRantsAboutStuff, you find something here that's general and take it very personally there's a reason. Regarding the first installment on the 18th, you will know if it applies to you or not. If it does and you get pissed off, do something about it. Like I said the truth hurts, so be mature enough to realise why it hurts if it is the truth and do something to fix it instead of crapping on me. If you think I've lied and slagged you, stop for a moment and realise that this is because it probably doesn't apply to you so chill the fuck out.\\ The core of this argument: Fortune favours the brave, do something about it or nothing will get unfucked. Half the reason the situation is like this is because people do nothing and hold their cards close to their chests while maintaining appearances. Just because I'm a hypocrite doesn't mean I'm wrong, besides I'm doing something about it aren't I? !!!The open road. It's strange how certain combinations of stimuli bring out different instinct within oneself. Music is a particularly interesting case of this phenomenon. For a man whose mind is heavy with darkness this becomes a potential source for control or loss thereof. A song as simple as Mark Knopfler's "What It Is" shouldn't really instill any kind of passionate response should it? Yet for me it awakens the nomad inside who longs to the fuck out of this shallow, corrupt society and leave all this crap I'm standing in behind. Nothing can equal the tranquility of cruising by yourself at 140. Just you, the purring of the engine and an open road. Can you really say that you've never thought how nice it would be to just keep on driving and not get on the offramp. Just blast away, no stress, no deception. You are in control of your destiny for that moment in time and everything fits. Most of us get pulled out of this state pretty quickly by things like capetonian drivers nearly killing you or needing petrol etc. But don't you wish you could just stay there? Stuff the world, the vast unknown can't possibly be worse than the gruesome reality of the lives we lead (some of us are perhaps a bit more blessed in this regard than others). Surely if you could start a new life and put your past behind you, one could avoid the mistakes made in the past and live life like you always wished you could? Fuck riding into the sunset! Drive into that time just before dawn when the whole sky begins to turns a faint blue overlayed on the darkness of night with the stars still poking through. What better way to fill the void with a perfect moment like this leading onto a new and improved life?\\ Yet such a tantalising image cannot be maintined under the pressure of cynicism and attachments we form to the lives we currently lead. People are allowed to dream right? One day, one day... Quick question: In terms of issues is it actually possible to scar a scar? If not, then I am invincible! But it really doesn't feel like it, which means I'm fucked. to:
!!99% Shadow.. -21/04/06 Time to pay the bills. No debt can be put off indefinitely unless the place that holds you in its grasp suddenly ceases to be. This is not an option, not yet. The world needs to be shown a few things first before I fade completely. The remaining 1% will hold the fort as long as it takes. Letting this exquisite pain flow through rather than fighting it brings a sense of calm unrivalled by any drug since no drug can calm the soul, only the body containing it. A passing thought asks if these dark stains creeping across my skin will be permanent, will I ever be forgiven for the sins and pain I've caused in in the process of violating my own existence? Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew\\ I only dream of you\My beautiful Tiptoe to your room\A starlight in the gloom\\ I only dream of you\And you never knew Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from your grace There's nowhere left to hide\In no one to confide\\ The truth burns deep inside\And will never die Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew\\ I only dream of you\My beautiful Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from grace Our wrongs remain unrectified\And our souls won't be exhumed Deleted lines 98-322:
Good Gauteng weather and people who can drive have failed to restore my faith in humanity. For every event that goes the way it should there are always 1000's of fuckups waiting in the wings to flood them stage with their inevitability\\ and plaster the headlines with BIG BOLD BULLSHIT (at all leading stockists now!). Yay for society. !!!It ends here. Call it cowardice, call it whatever you want. I find the disposition of potenial readers of this rather personal page to be contrary to the spirit of the whole thing. Because some people decide to get pesonal about useless issues and be all immature about it, I no longer feel comfortable mainting this particular page. I've decided that I don't want something as personal as this being spoiled by collateral damage from the cellspool of existence that we call society.\\ Adios. ---- !!Brief resurrection -11/09/03 !!!Like Creedence Clear Water I will simply not die, not yet. I changed my mind. I know I said this page ended, and it's spirit did. However I need to make one last entry for my own reaons, assholes of society be damned. If they dare to take me on and tread in here there will be '''''blood''''', not mine. This entry gets a little rough, so I feel like I should apologise even though I'm not really sure why. I guess I feel I owe the world an apology. Just in case you were checking if I had a comment to throw in from this page as well about responses, I don't. Decent argument is good, and my gauntlet is in its place. I stare at the pale light\\ As it stares through me Can't taste the cold air tonight\\ Nothing left to feel or be. Yes, I am a very weak man. Yes I've made lots of mistakes in my life. It's always the big ones that have no takebacks. Today I was fed a nice large chunk of my own vindictiveness, and was shown just how the past has twisted me. It didn't feel good at all. This is a lesson I hope no-one I know has to learn the way I have, because vengance can be a double-edged, razor-sharp blade with no handle. It doesn't matter how you hold it, it will change you. There's not really much left of me anyway, but I just thought I could be a hypocrite and try to let people know what it can do so that they don't make the same mistakes as me.\\ As far as I can tell we only get to live this life once, I can't be certain that any religion promising an afterlife is actually right. I suppose I really should change the way I do things, but I figure it's too late anyway. Next time you stand out in that shitty Cape Town rain and wind getting soaked and frozen, you'll understand one fiftieth of what's going on inside my head. Life's just a game\\ One that requires us to think Always more shit, more of the same\\ I am the weakest link. !!!Those who are about to die salute you ColdChamber is back, and in a way I am glad, but also very much disheartened by the circumstances. I have been to that terrible place called limbo (where one or two people now stand) many times, and its horrors are as familiar to me today as they were at the time. I can't do anything to change what will happen, but in spirit I stand by your side for support because I think I know to some extent what its like and no-one deserves that. No-one. Your strength in the face of the curent situation is astounding, and gives me renewed vigour to continue my fight here once more despite the consequences. I may be badly fractured, but if I give in now then I'm just a pile of broken glass on the floor. Nothing more. I won't let that happen, not to me or anyone else that I give a shit about. Just know that someone out there, however fractured he may be, still gives a shit.\\ You know it's one of those days when... ---- !!Bittersweet nothings -14/09/03 Quick quiz:\\ Question: When driving down main road at 140km/h, which of the following is the correct reason why this is a bad thing: A) Because the road isn't designed for speeds like that B) Because you might get a whopper of a speeding fine C) You might kill someone, including yourself D) It's not wrong, I can handle myself at those speeds If there's a difference between the actual answer and the one you know should be the most correct, there's a problem there somewhere... ---- !!Cardiovascular Activity -02/10/03 A tribute to the blue skies above:\\ To those who found and held on to love, The bodies lining the road in that direction\\ And anyone who discovered resurrection I am all of the above but also none\\ Walking contradiction, I am one. ---- !!Confusion reigns supreme... -06/10/03 An interesting weekend indeed\\ Maybe the world isn't going to end In my heart there is planted a seed\\ I want it to grow, but my will won't bend A battle rages between what is right\\ And what is darker yet stronger I'm still an oxymoron, half dark half light\\ I guess it's a matter of which will last longer... ---- !!Optimism is its own punishment -09/10/03 first of all, I know I said this was ending, but I changed my mind. I guess that makes my previous comments a 'lie', but I meant them at the time. I'm feeling a bit funny these days. Sorry. A proverb-type thingy came to me yesterday during the DR DP campaign:\\ A lifetime spent in fear of a moment is merely an elabotately long preparation for that exact same moment. By running away from it we govern the direction of our lives to some extent by how close we are to it, so even if we are far away it still influences us. One should turn around and run straight towards it and confront the fucker head-on. Walk up to it and say: 'piss off, you're in my way'. This is precisely what I intend to do. I'm not gonna put any crappy poetry here in this entry, just gonna state it plain and simple. There's a long-term battle between the two parts of my psyche who respectively want to save me and destroy me in order to end this hell that has been my existence. The destoryer attempts to subvert my work-ethic and place me between rocks and hard places, the saviour is what most see on the surface if they dig a little. The destroyer, i think, has managed to checkmate me. My heart has been manoeuvred into a position where I deserve to and will take a very serious knock just at a time when I absolutely ''cannot'' afford it. Oh well. In one sense I have to say that I'm not entirely scared by this prospect, since having things taken completely out of my hands will at least stop a lot of the what-ifs. We shall see. ---- !!A Change in the Wind -14/10/03 It turns out that I was right, and so I can't be called a cynic if I'm right a good proportion of the time. Being right about something like this somehow lacks the satisfying taste it does in other spheres of life. Funny that. I can feel the time running very short and I can't truly say I feel disappointed by this. Bourne above the pain on angels's wings\\ Their multitudes of green and red protect my broken soul They help me to forget and not feel so many things\\ Yet they must go now and leave me: a deep, dark hole The reason for the name change? The word 'boy' no longer feels in any way applicable. All the other reasons I leave to the imagination. Somehow I don't think it's too hard to figure out given the last few entries. ---- !!Endgame -21/10/03 To be honest I don't even know why I'm writing this entry. It goes way too deep in all the wrong places. I suppose as I face my demons I feel the need to break the silence in some way. Scream out to the world in the silence of a monitor and let my pathetic prose fall on deaf eyes. Basically, I have no idea. If I get squeamish I'll just delete it.\\ Tread lightly, for you tread on my dreams. This gets ''rough'', so once again I strongly advise you to turn your eyes to somewhere else. '''You''' '''have''' '''been''' '''warned'''. What is pain? Is it somthing that can truly be described in words? My god, I wear ''way'' too little black to be writing shit like this, but I guess it's a state of mind anyway. Besides, I care too much about the world anyway. Anything I can do to distract myself from the home front. From this pain in my head, in my heart and in the hand that types these things.\\ It is possible that there is a medical explanation for all three: For the head, a rear-sinus infection that won't go away. For the heart, a chemical inbalance involving the dopamine receptors (i think). For the hand, carpal-tunnel syndrome. Separately these all make sense to the person who would be doing the diagnosing, yet no-one has been in a position to diagnose all three to date. This is because I won't let them. I know where the sickness truly is. My subconscious wants out. Out of this body, out of this endless iron maiden existence and I won't let it. So it fights back. With a shattered heart I have no vast reserve of energy to fight it. There is no-one out there who is willing or able to stand right beside me and fight with me. In short, I am outnumbered, outgunned and outmaneuvered. Alone, I think they call it. !!!It's all about gold Life is all about choices, and I'd like to think I made mine decisively. I cose to go for gold, because in the scheme of things it's about striving for perfection. It's about showing that gold medal that it matters above all others, so that at least it knows that someone out there cares. Sometimes the gold is friendship, sometimes a relationship, sometimes marriage. Whatever the target, any wavering shows a lack of confidence in the outcome and insufficient faith in the prize. When feelings are involved, I'm always in it for the benefit of both parties. I want them to be happy too. This is why the silver medal of friendship stings. Too many times I have been labelled as second best, lost out to the competition. It's happened again. Why? NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. I was honest and upfront. I spoke from the heart and trusted a piece of it first, hoping for some return. Always second. I want to condemn the whole podium to last place, but the truth is I just don't fucking care anymore. Words ring true in my head\\ The last blade in place: A "distraction" am I Knee high, viscous, red\\ In second place I fall, choke,... Those of you who want to know the latest installment, wait for the grapevine as it winds its sick and twisted way through the distortions of human ideals and perception. Maybe I'm flattering myself there, we shall see. The truth is irrelevant, so why give a shit how it gets disorted. It might even come out sounding better. I settle not for second. It's first or nothing at all. Therefore my choice has already been made, and is clear. Drawing a path to a terrible place is easy, walking it is another matter. I'm too tired for this shit. Hence the name. Nothing that fades is every missed. Only those that go out in a blaze of glory. I don't have the strength for that. Enough. ''Enough!'' ---- !!Bloodlust -27/10/03 Wrote the first in this string of exams today. Probably failed, but I can't chalk this up to lowered expectations as a result of a depressive state of mind. Nope, I just didn't graft enough. But of late a strange thing has been happening, I have been completley unable to constructively work for anything longer than about 15 minutes in one concentrated sitting. Doesn't make studying easier at all. But this I expected, it's the other attitude changes that are worrying.\\ The more I think about putting distance between myself and the sources of the pain, the more it starts to make sense. The Jerry Bruckheimer mentality is telling me to fill up the tank and drive. This of course would otherwise be known as running away from the problems like a coward. On this subject, I'd say that the line between cowardice and survival is defined by a healthy dose of realism. Many of the lines have already been cast off and the ship is making ready to sail on this boat, that's for sure (must.. resist.. nnnnggh!.... OK fine: Avast ye landlubbers!! Sorry, couldn't resist). Staring out at the endless blue unknown and preparing to venture into it are two wholly different things however. One can't do half of each, keep one foot in this life and pack up for one far away with the other. More entries. Why? Why the fuck am I still doing this?! What is the point? I know what the point ''was'', but it's changed in some way and I lost it in the fog. Damn this mortal vessel, damn this weak flesh and yielding psyche! Curse everything that erodes our morality and decieves us into fucking with others peoples lives. Why am I constrained to look on while evil shit happens every day, and people who are supposed to do something about it do nothing? It is my hope that one day I will look down on them through the eye of a crosshair, then society will begin to change. To heal a wound, sometimes one must first open it and remove the poison. One day. Yes, I am indeed having a scintillatingly fantastic day with birds in the air and the sun shining its festering deception down on all those stupid enough to believe there's hope for this fucking place. ---- !!More -01/11/03 A familiar form of torture found me out again last night. The party itself was actually really great, however I was not able to truly allow myself to enjoy it. The hurry up and wait syndrome is not fun when you're lurking in limbo. Also, there was the lengthy discussion of how everything that makes a decent man is not me (which I found especially appropriate as is was occurring while I was in the room). Any attempt to leave the aforementioned room was met with a whining comment that this was not the way forward and a brief spurt of cuddly body langauge. ''Slight'' contradiction I feel. Isn't it ironic that the people we most need to save us are those who inevitably put the last nails in the coffin as we scape feebly at the inside of our sealed, pine scented fate. I'm not second and never was. It would appear that I'm not on the list at all in this case. I believe the appropriate comparison would include the word 'disqualification' somewhere. Frustration, pain, anger and a small dose of blackened warm and squishy. I feel them all galvanising into one another now. After arriving home for the second time during the night it was as if it all made sense in some twisted way, the darkness and the pain. I was to be an avatar of the underdogs in this world and the open road called me in a way no man can refuse. I wanted to stand tall and correct the injustice my life had suffered, but for all humanity and with a Desert Eagle (and lets not forget the stacks of ammo to go with that). The fantasy had to fade there unfortunately, I had no such weapon and not enough cash to make it past the week. The terrible thing is that I feel cheated, since if this had happened two days later I could have made a plan. I would have had the means to do it and finally do something decisive to end this waking (and sleeping) nightmare that is by definition an existence. If this dust were to settle, what would be left? What would I be without all of this to struggle with? My nearest guess would be a skeleton of moral principals barely strung together, no feeling or motivation to flesh it out. I feel like the title of a bad Kevin Bacon movie (except in this case I have my clothes on thank you very much). What would any of us be when it comes right down to it? An interesting question for everyone to ask themselves I feel... * ''I know the feeling. Different circumstances, same feeling. Just as you encouraged me, so I encourage you. Not to return the favour, but to help you see value in what you put up here, showing your pain for all to see. But know this: you are stronger than it. You will not be broken. Watch the roiling, rumbling wave of pain as it hurtles towards you, and let it hit you. And let it do nothing. Because you are stronger than it. Reach down, deep into your centre, and know no fear, no pain, no anguish. Fear not going forward slowly, fear only standing still.'' GloomiNati ---- !!Carnivals and depression -16/11/03 A tough semester it certainly has been, as can clearly be seen. Normally I would have truckloads of stuff to bitch about in SeanRantsAboutStuff but this isn't the case. What you say is indeed true about fearing only standing still GloomiNati, and now I can feel myself slowly drawing my face out of the mud and entrails I fell into many months ago. The wave of pain I faced now was only a small mockery of the one which struck me in the middle of the year, but because the first hit me directly at my core I was unable to adequately counter this one and was forced back down into the ground. My centre was shattered by the first, but something tells me I've found a tube of glue within myself to put a replacement together because I sure as hell wasn't going to find salvation where I was looking (as several individuals have pointed out to me). At this point I think I need to explain my 'funhouse mirror' analogies to states of mind and depression. At baseline/"normal" levels of stress and pain life is viewed as it is. When depression begins to strike, this view becomes warped in negative ways, the beginnings of cynicysm. However, as many find out the hard way, one can be pushed further beyond where you thought your tolerance level was and into a new place where everything becomes difficult. Coping mechanisms begin to fail as the world beyond this second funhouse mirror is difficult to deal with as everything feels like a burden and reality is so far away that one questions its relevance. But there is a third. If the pressures and strains persist without relenting or some traumatic event strikes unexpectedly one finds that the warping has become so severe that it begins making sense in a way. The kind of sense that the criminally insane must have, the kind that can 'rationalise' self-termination. It can make you believe that the only thing that matters is finding a way to stop the pain, at any cost. the funny thing is that it's also kinda peaceful too, because you are forced to analyse what it is that makes up your life and what's important even if it is by deciding how to leave it behind. This is the way I see the whole thing. I've just emerged from behind the third mirror, and the stale air on this side still feels like a breathe of pure oxygen after near-asphyxiation. It burns, but it means you're alive and not a walking ghost any more. The third mirror is a bad thing to cross, I spent too long there and I hope I never have to again. Even though I'm forced to face the pain now instead of accepting it as a part of me it still feels better because I can feel distinct parts as opposed to an all-encompassing darkness pressing on my conscious and subconscious mind. My first order of business was to more objectively analyse what it was I was trying to do by caring about a specific person (the grapevine still amuses me much in this respect!). After an afternoon of pool and vicious torment I came to the conclusion that she is very likely unable (or just indifferent) to determine when she hurts others and that it is highly unlikely that she would care even if she was able to. This is one curse I have encountered before, but this time I do it ''*right!*'' The ultimatum was issued with the ending words being something like "If you care now would be the time to do something about it." Since I have recieved no reply I think it's safe to assume the response is "No dice.". Time is a funny animal so we shall see, I make only a judgement to stand as long as there is no reply, but as a statistician I gotta say its ''fucking'' unlikely (that's a technical term) that I'm wrong. Now all I have to do is fight my way out the next two mirrors. Fuck. ---- !!The Edge -11/12/03 You'll notice that there's a significant time difference between posting and authouring of this piece, which is due only to the despicable lack of internet acess where I currently reside. !!!And in a little wood somewhere Pooh-Bear wiped his axe and said: Fuck this shit. Back behind the third! Before there was the phoenix which arose briefly out of this wrecked spirit and playfully set out for vengeance in a misguided and ultimately unsucessful way. It burnt out and its ashes remained on the ground, but as everyone knows they don't die that way. Each coming burning brighter and stronger, improving on the previous effort. I sit here fueling the fire with the remains of my determination to kindle some kind of twisted hope to drive me onward in this existence. Even if I burn out, at least I will go out at maximum speed. The motivation? A combination of things. Mostly the fact that individuals of little or no decency or moral fibre continue to exist peacfully while the good guys suffer under the painful daily reminder of twisting pain and the sting of betrayal. ''Not'' acceptable! the other part of the reason I will not expose here, I cannot yet express it adequately. Those close to me will know in the near future, that will have to suffice. !!!Yin and Yang Emotions can be a powerful thing. They can make people accomplish amazing things for their loved ones, whether it be to save them, gain their affection or make their lives better. What happens when you take that power along with its refusal to die and seal it in a dark hole with no light and no food?\\ I'll tell you: It's entire purpose becomes getting out of that hole above all else. It clings onto anything it can to survive, unintentionally sucking the life out of it sometimes. Yet even this isn't enough so it begins to feed on the darkness around it, turning its curse into an energy source with which it will learn to tolerate its surroundings and hibernate safely until another way presents itself. This way a broken man (in my case at any rate) can learn to survive. In reality this can be considered a victory, however there is still one more card fate can play in this game. By adding one more brutal and unexpected wounding from the source of the l-word to piss off the beast, it can be turned into a terrible monster. Hate in its purest form is something that I cannot describe in words alone. The fire that burns inside of you flares up a thousand times higher and suddenly things become clear, but not in the same way that we percieve clarity on an everyday basis. It's like the layer of candy-floss that the world comes wrapped in is removed and you can see the cold hard truth beneath it. Squatting there like a spent shotgun lying on the floor beside a murdered lover. Suddenly one realises the true horror one is capable of using the tools normally reserved for kindness. Trust becomes a weapon and truth the ammunition within it.\\ And it feels good. Seductive and powerful, like molten steel it courses through your veins and solidifies into a strength so cold you can imagine the air around you crystallising. The cold numbs feeling in your soul and turns the chains that held you down into the very tools of destruction you need, becoming extensions of yourself instead of burdens. Its liberating and frightening all at the same time, which form an exhileration that one would only expect from some decent drugs. !!!It subsides Now I feel this feeling subsiding along with mixed feelings of reluctance, disappointment and relief. I fear I have become a gruesome Jeckyll and Hyde. No part of me entirely human, yet I cannot escape the true nature of my humanity: Imperfection. My advice is to become neither Jeckyll nor Hyde in ones life because the one is doomed to be killed and the other to do the killing. I have the worst of both. I have both the wounds on my soul that I cannot heal, and the vengeful spirit inside that longs to return to sender. I have no more reasons to withhold the beast within since I am no longer the bastion of morality and strength I once thought I was. Reap and sow. You play, you pay. These are the words ringing throughout my contorted mind, and I happen to agree. If I can manufacture the strength to take action required why shouldn't I go ahead? The world needs a wake-up call doesn't it? All I can contemplate is which way is forward from this disoriented present day. If ever a saviour was needed I would say that now I need one bigtime, because I think I give up. All I can make out is the way to the nearest McDonalds. Having said that, I still refuse to let the world drag me down to dealing with it on its own level. If the world is fair to you all that sentiment will hold. If only.... ---- !!Signal to noise ratio falls... -21/12/03 As far down into my soul I've allowed you all to see I'm afraid I must take a break. The barriers I have to work my way through so that I can get to 'rational' thought are becoming rather tiresome. I am starting to need things that I should not have because they are not mine. Need things that I want to flow through my veins instead of the alcohol I love so much, but which will destroy my body and my mind. Yet I cannot bring myself to let it all go down the drain, which leaves me stuck between what feels like an inevitable fate and my own fading will. It hurts like 5 shots of stroh snorted in succession combined with an ice-cream headache (don't try this at home kiddies). With the static closing in on the edges of my mind, I must dedicate everything I have to this. Since laying my soul bare here drains me it is one of the things that I cannot afford to do in the short term. I have to fight it back for your sake because although I see no saviour around the corner, I know that some people give a shit on occasion. There are those out there who could save me in a heartbeat and make my task sooo much easier, but that's not how it works here. It would be unfair of me to burden some with this because that guilt is not due to them. They shall not be named, some know who they are anyway.\\ Yes, I am posting about as regularly as Bob Mugabe apologises but that has mainly been due to lack of access unfortunately. This is different, not an excuse (believe me I wish it was). Here I think NOFX said it best courtesy of Fat Mike:\\ "Lost the battle, lost the war/Lost the things worth living for/Lost the will to win the fight/One more pill to kill the pain" I'll say it once again: War isn't about who's right, but who's left. ---- !!The pieces return but no longer fit the puzzle... -11/02/04 Happy new-fuckin-year. Had to get it out the way. Once again I have internet time to bravely/stupidly bare what's left of my soul to those who care and those who find it in some sick way amusing. I have finally raised myself of my knees and find myself glaring once again into the unforgiving sun of reality. No longer overcast and gloomy, yet still with the grim determination that comes from being fucked over way too much. This semester ''will'' be different. I have resolved to use the spiritual equivalent of Nitrous Oxide to maintain sanity in short spurts and actually feel human. It may be bad for my body but my I no longer care about that shite. It's all or nothing, soul vs body: I've made my choice. ---- !!The fast and the mildly annoyed -20/02/04 The only sure way to avoid hitting a wall in life is to grab the steering wheel and, at high speed, swerve towards any wall on the side of the road. Life will make sure that there is a road there filled with pedestrians. I made the choice to save myself by seriously risking destruction. The result took me down a very promising road indeed, however in the resulting swerving and oversteer involved in taking the corner at high speed, two pedestrians got in the way. The moral justifications are solid and I do not regret choosing the one person I did (or more aptly my heart did) but that still does not entirely dissipate the guilt. !!!New beginnings This brings me to the next point. As surprised as i am at not smashing into the wall, the road ahead looks and feels very prosperous indeed. I'm not gonna mount a large neon banner, jump up and down on a harpsichord wearing a purple bikini shouting out the nature of my current affairs. The grapevine will get hold of it if it hasn't already. I have nothing to hide at this point. The first intake of breath after asphixiation is quite painful, but now I feel something that I hardly recognise: happiness. Therefore, I will not violate the spirit of this page by happy thoughts or optimism since the me that wrote the earlier stuff would surely kick the me doing the writing of this kind of stuff squarely in the nuts if I did. So I won't. Perhaps all the fighting was worth it after all...? ---- !!It's been a while.. -23/03/06 Well, those of you who've known me over the years and are on top of recent events will know I'm back in the thick of things. Add a dash of seal clubbing here, a large dose of guilt there and pickle with Stroh 80. Each time I go through this cycle I feel like I lose something more to the darkness within me and I can't help but think: Is there actually a point to fighting it? Will I eventually lose whatever I decide to do now? Dangerous questions indeed, but I suppose that's the price I pay for being intense. If you give everything you have to something in the hope that it will succeed and it lands up being your issues and shortcomings that cause it to fail then you're bound to have a transaction fee subtracted from your account. I don't regret making the initial decision, but I made mistakes that I will never forgive myself or expect anyone else to forgive me for. The point of all this is that the person doing to breaking up is not necessarily the person who comes out better from the deal, guilt leaves a scar on your soul that time will never be able to truly erase. ---- !!The warm depths.. -20/04/06 Stop swimming upwards as the sun fades beyond the distant surface of the water, sinking further. Swim downwards and find out what's really down there, let the burning of the nonexistent air in your chest become the fire to fuel the soul. The calm of the depths is truly something amazing to behold with clarity like no other. Oblivion, destiny, peace. As the ash that remains of the new beginnings blows far away in the wind because of my weakness and stupidity I am left to face the true horror inside. Came across something that expresses better than I part of what I feel: http://www.muse.mu/ I won't stand in your way\\ let your hatred grow\\ and she'll scream\\ and she'll shout\\ and she'll pray\\ and she had a name\\ yeah she had a name and I won't hold you back\\ let your anger rise\\ and we'll fly\\ and we'll fall\\ and we'll burn\\ no one will recall\no one will recall this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could look to the stars\\ let hope burn in your eyes\\ and we'll love\\ and we'll hope\\ and we'll die\\ all to no avail\\ all to no avail this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could\\ I wish I could ---- !!99% Shadow.. -21/04/06 Time to pay the bills. No debt can be put off indefinitely unless the place that holds you in its grasp suddenly ceases to be. This is not an option, not yet. The world needs to be shown a few things first before I fade completely. The remaining 1% will hold the fort as long as it takes. Letting this exquisite pain flow through rather than fighting it brings a sense of calm unrivalled by any drug since no drug can calm the soul, only the body containing it. A passing thought asks if these dark stains creeping across my skin will be permanent, will I ever be forgiven for the sins and pain I've caused in in the process of violating my own existence? Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew\\ I only dream of you\My beautiful Tiptoe to your room\A starlight in the gloom\\ I only dream of you\And you never knew Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from your grace There's nowhere left to hide\In no one to confide\\ The truth burns deep inside\And will never die Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew\\ I only dream of you\My beautiful Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from grace Our wrongs remain unrectified\And our souls won't be exhumed ---- April 21, 2006, at 06:14 AM
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ShadowVsManArchive - 18/08/03 to 20/02/04 April 21, 2006, at 06:11 AM
by - 99% Shadow
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!!99% Shadow.. -21/04/06 Time to pay the bills. No debt can be put off indefinitely unless the place that holds you in its grasp suddenly ceases to be. This is not an option, not yet. The world needs to be shown a few things first before I fade completely. The remaining 1% will hold the fort as long as it takes. Letting this exquisite pain flow through rather than fighting it brings a sense of calm unrivalled by any drug since no drug can calm the soul, only the body containing it. A passing thought asks if these dark stains creeping across my skin will be permanent, will I ever be forgiven for the sins and pain I've caused in in the process of violating my own existence? Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew\\ I only dream of you\My beautiful Tiptoe to your room\A starlight in the gloom\\ I only dream of you\And you never knew Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from your grace There's nowhere left to hide\In no one to confide\\ The truth burns deep inside\And will never die Lips are turning blue\A kiss that can't renew\\ I only dream of you\My beautiful Sing for absolution\I will be singing\And falling from grace Our wrongs remain unrectified\And our souls won't be exhumed ---- Changed line 16 from:
If you want to E-Mail me a less public comment, feel free to do so [[mailto: to:
If you want to E-Mail me a less public comment, feel free to do so [[mailto:seanlouw@gmail.com|here]]. Added line 257:
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!!The warm depths.. -20/04/06 Stop swimming upwards as the sun fades beyond the distant surface of the water, sinking further. Swim downwards and find out what's really down there, let the burning of the nonexistent air in your chest become the fire to fuel the soul. The calm of the depths is truly something amazing to behold with clarity like no other. Oblivion, destiny, peace. As the ash that remains of the new beginnings blows far away in the wind because of my weakness and stupidity I am left to face the true horror inside. Came across something that expresses better than I part of what I feel: http://www.muse.mu/ I won't stand in your way\\ let your hatred grow\\ and she'll scream\\ and she'll shout\\ and she'll pray\\ and she had a name\\ yeah she had a name and I won't hold you back\\ let your anger rise\\ and we'll fly\\ and we'll fall\\ and we'll burn\\ no one will recall\\ no one will recall this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could look to the stars\\ let hope burn in your eyes\\ and we'll love\\ and we'll hope\\ and we'll die\\ all to no avail\\ all to no avail this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could this is the last time I'll abandon you\\ and this is the last time I'll forget you\\ I wish I could\\ I wish I could ---- March 23, 2006, at 08:47 AM
by - I have returned. Kinda.
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!!It's been a while.. -23/03/06 Well, those of you who've known me over the years and are on top of recent events will know I'm back in the thick of things. Add a dash of seal clubbing here, a large dose of guilt there and pickle with Stroh 80. Each time I go through this cycle I feel like I lose something more to the darkness within me and I can't help but think: Is there actually a point to fighting it? Will I eventually lose whatever I decide to do now? Dangerous questions indeed, but I suppose that's the price I pay for being intense. If you give everything you have to something in the hope that it will succeed and it lands up being your issues and shortcomings that cause it to fail then you're bound to have a transaction fee subtracted from your account. I don't regret making the initial decision, but I made mistakes that I will never forgive myself or expect anyone else to forgive me for. The point of all this is that the person doing to breaking up is not necessarily the person who comes out better from the deal, guilt leaves a scar on your soul that time will never be able to truly erase. ---- Contact me [[mailto:seanlouw@gmail.com|here]] if you really want to. |