The Snakesford Gazette: Special Morning Edition

Illithid temple damaged in midnight arson attack

The stately, though run-down, manor houses of Larch Avenue bore mute witness last night to a dastardly ARSON ATTACK on the Reformed Temple of the Awakened Brain, a small religious enclave which for years has been a colourful, if controversial, feature of this sleepy neighbourhood. The local fire service battled the blaze for hours, and there are rumours—as yet unverified by the frustratingly uncooperative police presence at the scene—that SEVERAL CASUALTIES were sustained.

The attack has come as a shock to local residents such as Mrs Tanner (68). "Who would do such a thing?" she asked as she took down her sooty washing in the early hours of the morning. "They are a bit pushy with their pamphlets and whatnot, but they're basically harmless. In fact," she confided in our reporter, "I'm thinking of converting myself. Wouldn't it be a lark, me running about with an octopus for a head? It would be a surprise for my sons, let me tell you. But maybe it wouldn't be if they thought to visit their old mum once in a while; make sure you put that bit in."

In an unprecedented public statement made on the steps of the Council Hall, Council member LORD SUMNER (62) expressed his condemnation of the attack. "I am pained to see such a terrible crime embarrass our city in front of so many illustrious foreign delegates, just as we are about to enter into a mutually beneficial trade agreement which as I'm sure you have heard I am personally sponsoring. What must our neighbours think of us?" He paused dramatically before continuing: "I have heard troubling rumours that certain parties whom I shall not name have for many years been using innocent dupes such as this upstanding religious organisation as a front for their LEGALLY DUBIOUS ACTIVITIES. It's simply awful to contemplate that such an abuse of power could have been the cause of last night's tragedy. I expect the police to conduct a very thorough investigation."

Although Lord Sumner was far too diplomatic to name names, any astute reader's thoughts will doubtless at this point turn to LORD FOXFIRE (49), another member of the Council who has for decades been linked with the shadowy world of ESPIONAGE and is suspected by many to be a PATRON of the temple. This enigmatic nobleman—whose pallid visage and reptilian features have caused him to be nicknamed THE WHITE WORM by other, less reputable publications—has long attempted to stifle our perfectly reasonable enquiries into his clandestine activities, his SCANDALOUS FAMILY HISTORY and the MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCES OF HIS ENEMIES. Fear not, dear reader—the FREE PRESS will not be intimidated! Keep a watchful eye on these pages for more thrilling updates to this sordid tale.

City on verge of historic trade agreement

The Council's negotiations with the Northern Union concerning a SWEEPING NEW TRADE AGREEMENT entered their fourth week today. Sponsoring council member LORD SUMNER (62) and Northern ambassador MARCUS COPPERTHORN (70) were regrettably not available for comment, but we are assured by sources inside the Council Hall that we can expect final ratification at any moment. Never before have we entered into such a broad and far-reaching treaty with our distant progenitor nation. Doubtless this happy event will allow us to put our differences aside once and for all, and move forward together into a new era of mutual prosperity.

Clashes over city landmark continue

More ugly scenes unfolded tonight at the foot of the OLD CLOCKTOWER, as police tried once again to begin EVICTIONS from the derelict building to clear the way for its renovation and repair in time for the treaty signing celebrations. They were once again met with heated resistance, and it appeared to this reporter that despite a great deal of property damage little progress was made.

"I don't give a REDACTED about no REDACTED treaty," said an undocumented local resident who wished to remain anonymous (58). "We been living here for forty REDACTED years, and now they want us to REDACTED off because some REDACTED toffs want to have a REDACTED party? REDACTED those REDACTED REDACTED!" he added with emphasis as he ripped a cobblestone from the pavement and lobbed it towards the police barricade.