|
TheTome /
SalamanderBaghdadYou are on the archive wiki. The new wiki is here. 15 August 2004 Greetings. I'm not really sure how to do this, so I'm just going to type and you can figure it out? For those of you who are wondering, SalamanderBaghdad is the code name my best friend at the time, Tiina Napoleon, gave to a girl we didn't particularly like. It was particularly apt, for no real reason. If you're wondering, my name was Panda Mussolini. Why aren't I using that instead? I don't know. Who am I really? You're welcome to figure that out by yourselves, I believe that you're intelligent enough. I also think it's very obvious if you've ever spoken to me for longer than five seconds. Well, no, if I've ever spoken to you for longer than five seconds is what I mean. Besides which, this isn't my name, so I guess these aren't my feelings - I suppose that it's kind of like playing a character for a while, whenever I feel the need - these are her feelings, not mine. I can come back and look at them as though they belong to someone else. And we all know that other people's problems are easier to solve. The point that I would like to make here is that I'm miserable. I really am. At the moment. In a few hours I might not be miserable. I might even be asleep. But for now, I am miserable. And you know what, that's okay. I am so sick of those people who keep telling me to be happy. That's a little difficult when I'm miserable. Besides which, if you really want I could just pretend to be happy, I'm really good at it, except when I don't know you're looking. But I don't really want to do that, for a start it's too much effort. Secondly, I don't see why I should suffer just so that you don't have to deal with things. Or can't. Whatever. Your problem, not mine. Why should I bury what I'm feeling, let it harden, twist and eat away inside me, while I pretend to be happy to make you feel better. I don't think so. Besides which, while I do believe (quite sadly) in the value of positive thinking, I also happen to believe that we need to express what we're feeling. We're feeling it for a reason. So express it. And so I am. Only to me, I hope. But I doubt that very much. So, back to the point at hand. I am miserable. Three years ago I was actually quite happy. For the past while (probably about a year and a half) I've been mostly miserable. It started a month or two before one of my favourite people in the world said "Then you're not really my friend." And things just haven't been the same since. Understandably. I was rather displeased by that statement of hers. I don't think she even remembers saying it. But I know that, at least at the time, she meant it. That was on the 21st of March, 2003. I even remember the day. I know who was there when she said it. I know why she said it. And I still can't deal with it. Oh well. And I just pointed out who I am to at least one person who I told that story to not so recently. But since he barely ever comes to the wiki and certainly won't bother with this, that's not my problem. I have cold toes. This is strangely helpful. I'm not feeling nearly so miserable as I was about an hour ago. The writing stuff where there's a possibility of people actually seeing it, not the cold toes. Those really aren't helpful. They're ... "distracting". In other news, I've had enough of people telling me how pretty they think I am. Yes, they are entitled to their opinion. Apparently it is the complete opposite of mine. And while it's very flattering, I've had enough of it. One or two comments every now and then, like if we get dressed up to go somewhere, fine. But constant commentary, sometimes from people I've only just met over two or three weeks is pushing it a little bit. Of course, I've never been very good at accepting compliments (as Brynn so nicely pointed out aeons ago) and it just gets harder when I'm not in a happy mood. My toes are really very cold. I'm going slipper hunting. Oh dear. This is going to get very addictive I think. Not even an hour has passed and I'm back. And I've completely forgotten what I wanted to say. Oh well. These things happen. I felt better after writing this down. I almost got some work done. Instead, I ate some soup and restarted Mansfield Park. But, I did do a little filing today. Oh the excitement! I don't really like soup. There are a lot of things I don't like. I don't like baths. The idea of sitting in stagnant water to clean yourself just doesn't work for me. Bubble baths, on the other hand, do. This is because I don't like baths as something you use for washing, but they're okay if you're just using them for relaxing. There's nothing better than lying in hot water, surrounded by bubbles you can barely see because the only light is provided by one tea light on the other side of the room and the whole room is steamed up anyway, because the water is so hot. The reason that I was going to do some work is that I'm at least one week behind, possibly two. But that's not a very helpful reason when you're despondent. It's hard enough coming up with a reason to get out of bed every morning, never mind one to do some work. Although, for some reason "you'll be late" seems to work. Although, it works quicker in Summer. This is because my room is the coldest one in the house. Excluding the bathrooms. Although, sometimes I'm not so sure. You know what the worst thing is? I know what it's like to be truly happy. And it's killing me that I'm not. I just want to go and hide my head beneath the covers of my nice, warm (cold, lonely) bed and cry myself to death. Unfortunately there are others in the house and my stupid pride won't let me. There's a lot I just won't do for stupid reasons. That's one of them. It's driving me crazy 'cause I know that, while it won't make me feel better now, it'll help in the long run. It's quite depressing, I've developed a social life. I never had that problem before. I think that's another thing interfering with my work habits. It used to be I could spend the whole weekend working. And I did. Night, day, whatever. Sometimes I saw people, but that wasn't often. Unless I was romantically attached, in which case it was often, but if I was so inclined I could work anyway. Not that I was very often. But I like fires. That's why you should always have someone in Winter. So that you can cuddle up together in bed, or in front of the fire. If you're going to be single, do it in Summer when you don't need someone else's body heat. You'd think I'd follow my own advice, but we never do, do we? A friend of mine accused me of playing dumb. He said he didn't know why I did it. But he was telling his friends, people I'd only just met and I didn't appreciate it much. I don't know how many of you have picked up on that fact. Probably more than I think. Why do I do it? I've been asked that a lot. One of the reasons is that I hate to be wrong, and if I don't know, then I can't be wrong, can I? Another is that it makes my life easier. It means that friends can tell me the same boring stories over and over again. It means that people have lower expectations, which makes me more comfortable. And I say I have no patience. I do actually. In abundance. What I don't have is tolerance. Well, no that's not true either. I have both. The tolerance just depends on what you expect me to tolerate. I have limits. You don't want to find them. Or maybe you do. Someone named David (who one or two of you know, most of you lucky people don't) told me that I'm cute when I'm angry. I think he was trying to annoy me. Or manipulate me. He did that a lot. Bastard. But it's okay, I don't see him anymore. I don't think you should feel obligated to make other people happy either. Dude, there's just no point.-Wednesday leFey |