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TheTome /
RogueTechYou are on the archive wiki. The new wiki is here. Disclaimer: This diary contains information which may disturb sensitive readers. Reader discretion is advised for those unfamiliar with Magic: The Gathering. Saturday, 5th October 2:10pm: Arrive at Stadium on Main. Enter the lobby and cringe as I am faced by the teeming hoards of pre-teens sporting the now en-vogue Pompei-style facials. Good thing I decided against wearing the short pants and trenchcoat (See the Second rule of Magic). Might have attracted undue attention from all those mothers watching from the sidelines. Then again... 2:20pm: Been two years since my last competitive game of magic so I need every advantage I can get. Had a long run beforehand to make sure armpits are good and sweaty. Nothing like a funky BO to distract and befuddle your opponent. I give them a sniff to make sure. Yep. That's pretty ripe. 2:30pm: Registration. Judge looks impressed when he notes that my DCI number has fewer digits than a failed Yakuza mobster's hands. "Been around a while?" "Yeah. I'm Old School." Damn I love saying that. (Aside: At this point I must stress that being Old School and actually having skills are not necessarily in any way related. I am a case in point, for example.) 2:40pm: Round 1 vs B/U/R. I pull out the Blue/Red Madness Rogue Tech I'd built the night before. (Translation: The pile of crap I put together from Tim's leftover cards). (First Rule of Magic: Never play what the pros do. The herd mentality is dull and uninspired and therefore no fun. Unless you like winning of course.) I offer up a little prayer to the Magic Gods, asking for my opponent to be struck deaf, blind and dumb, for him to have to mulligan twice and for Eliza Dushku's home phone number. Sadly, my prayers go unanswered. I decide to fall back on my backup plan and puff my arms out to give my armpits maximum exposure. Am gratified to see me opponent gag in response. Game 1: I mulligan twice. Damn thee ye fickle Gods of Magic! I manage to cast exactly two spells (both creatures) with the 3 mana I see during this game. Both are quickly edicted away and I watch my life total drop: 20, 15, 11, 6, 0. Game 2: Glance at my sideboard and bravely declare: "I don't need no steenkin' sideboard to whip you beotch." (Second rule of Magic: Always talk trash. Especially when you're playing a kiddy. Saying things like "I'm a kiddy-fiddler" and "Hey little boy...want a piece of candy?" are all good ways to gain the psychological edge.) I draw my seven cards and nod knowingly as I pull 6 lands and a reckless charge. The sane player would mulligan in this instance, but I accept this as a sign that I am destined to cast many big spells. My next four draws only re-inforce this belief: Island, Island, Island, Mountain. I watch helplessly as some flying bears giggle happily and ravage my undefended person. As we shake hands, my opponent looks at me with the same strange expression he did at various points during our match. Finally, he speaks: "You used to be better than this. What happened?" It's true. My skills have deserted me. I am a scrub. WHY GOD, WHY?! Match Score: 0-1 3:25pm: Round 2 vs U/G/W Madness. Opponent is same player that Tim played the round before. I am confident I can show him the power of Rogue Tech. He seems amicable enough, so I decide to reserve the secret weapon until such time as it is needed. Game 1: Mulligan. Damn this. I'm playing 25 lands for Christ sake! Shuffle and redraw and decide to keep a hand with 3 mountains, a fiery temper and 2 violent eruptions. Good. That should see him right. I smile confidently and lay down the first of my mountains. 9 turns later, I have 2 6/6 worm tokens eyeing me hungrily and I have yet to draw another land. What do I have to do for this deck to get a nice even spread?! Pull flying monkeys out my ass?! Game 2: Double Mulligan. My opponent smiles sheepishly, evidently ashamed to be winning in such a manner. He earns another few minutes reprieve from the secret weapon. I draw again. 2 islands, an aquamoeba, a mountain and a violent eruption. Right, that 's better. I tap my deck for luck. Show me the love baby. Not only I am a scrub, but I don't get any love from my deck either. I'm stuck on three lands again this game and to rub salt in my wounds, it still takes my opponent the better part of 25 turns to finish me. That's it. I raise my arms and unleash the secret weapon in all its glory. My opponent continues to smile stupidly at me, evidently unphased. Damn. Obviously the potency must be wearing off. Decide to go for another quick jog before the next round. Match Score: 0-2 Inbetween rounds I console myself by beating the crap out of Tim's U/G Madness deck, proving that Rogue Tech has mad skillz. Now all I need to do is draw some lands and I can prove this to all those idiots snickering at my Cephalid Inkshrouder tech. 4:05pm: Round 3 vs B/U. Pile Shuffle. Riffle shuffle. 52-card pickup. I will not be mana-screwed again damnit! Game 1: Finally draw a decent opening hand. 1 Island, Aquamoeba, 2 Reckless charges, Fiery Temper and 2 Mountains. ''Island. Go. Mountain. Aquamoeba. Go. Mountain. Discard Fiery temper to Aquamoeba dealing you 3. Reckless Charge. Swing with the Aquamoeba for 6. Go. Mountain. Discard Fiery temper to Aquamoeba dealing you 3. Recless Charge. Reckless Charge. Swing with the Aquamoeba for 9.'' (Aside: It was turn 4, not turn 3 Tim.) Now that is what I'm talking about. Opponent looks at me with a shocked expression as I explain to him that yes...he has lost to a pile of crap. Unleash secret weapon under the pretext of flexing proudly. Opponent's eyes boggle out of his head and I know I have the next one in the bag. Game 2: Oooo. A hand with lands and spells. Oh my. How will I ever be able to cope now that I can actually play a proper game?! Don't remember much about this game except that I played and flashbacked all four reckless charges. Told him to BOHICA at one point. Was amused at his confused expression. Match Score: 1-2 4:50pm: Round 4 vs Mono Black. Not a bad matchup for me. His discard helps me more than hindering me, and I've got Angers in the sideboard to get around the mutilate/edict hate he's packing. Game 1: He gets 4 mutilates in his opening hand and proceeds to clear the board of all my creatures. Unfortunately for him, he can't deal with the 4 violent eruptions and 2 fiery tempers I draw into, all of which go straight to the dome. Game 2: Sideboard in the Angers. This turns out to be a good choice as he tutors and dreams for mutilates, clearing my board of creatures. Still, each of them manages to swing for a bit before dieing, pulling him into range of my burn. Unfortunately, he then pulls up two corrupts and we effectively switch life totals: Me on 3 and him on 12. He plays an arena, I draw an eruption. My hand at this point is one eruption, one temper and one fire/ice. Next turn, he takes one from the arena (down to 11) and casts haunting echoes, removing my entire deck apart from my lands. I look at my hand again and count the damage, then begin praying that he doesn't draw another corrupt. His turn he clocks down to 10, plays a land and hands over to me. I throw all the burn in my hand at him, bringing him down to 1, then smirk as he glances down at the arena, then at his 1 life point. Yeah baby. Feel the burn. Match Score: 2-2 Well then. A 10th place finish so not too bad overall. Tim went on to win the tournament, of course. (I blame that on no-one else having amazing anti-U/G tech like I did.) I won't bother posting the decklist just yet. Who knows, I might just make it work at some point. Until next time, and may the Gods of Magic bless you with many lands (and Eliza Dushku's phone number). Sunday, 6th October 10:30am: Arrive at Stadium on Main. Am hailed with cries of "Scrub!" as I approach the gaming area. Assume this has to do with yesterday's U/R Rogue Tech and my stunning performance with it (That was sarcasm for all of you too stupid to catch it). My suspicions confirmed when Shaun comes up to me and states: "Desert the game, and the game will desert you." Inform him that he sounds like a bad NBA commercial and proceed to the gaming table to register. Dreamed last night of opening a foil Vodalian Voidmage. Concerned that Voidmage dream almost as erotic as ones featuring Eliza. Am beginning to remember why I left Magic the first time. 10:45am: Watch Porky stick a fold of R100 bills into his back pocket. Inform Tim that South African bank robbers are stupid. Instead of sticking up armoured cars and getting shot at, they should just drop by a Magic Pre-release and score a quick 7 grand. Make note in little black book to do just that. 11:00am: Open my starter and immediately rush to the rares. Crap blue rare, crap red rare...Oversold Cemetry. Mmmm. Shit start. Hope things improve. Open first booster. Uncommon, Uncommon, Uncommon, Krossan Collossus. 9/9 beat stick for 9 mana (three of those green), with no trample. @*(^%@&%@. Seems like this is going to be another crap day. One booster left. Take my time opening this to savour the experience. As long as it's closed, I can still hope that it's something decent. Uncommon, Uncommon, Uncommon...Foil Undead Gladiator. Yeah baby. Just made back my entrance fee plus a little on the side. Feeling much better about things until I examine the remaining cards. I have no creature removal, no burn and two creatures bigger than 2/2. On the plus side, I have the 9/9 fatty (With no trample. What the hell were Wizards R&D smoking when they printed this piece of crap as a rare?!), and a few fear creatures. Guess it's Black/Green then. 11:30am: Round 1 vs B/R/G. Playing some guy called Emile. He seems somewhat unsettled when I shake his hand and introduce myself, then peers at me strangely when I wish him good luck. Guess they don't have manners where he grew up. Game 1: He draws two lands and I beat his head in with my 1/2 crowned taunting elf. Feel the same kind of embarresment for him that I feel for those guys who act like retards in teen movies. Game 2: He mulligans twice and sees 1 land the entire game. I apologise profusely as I smash his head in with my 4/4 beast. Opponent still seems more unsettled by my sporting behaviour than his losing. Match Score: 1-0 12:20pm: Round 2 vs G/R. My opponent this round was Arne, and I had just watched him whup Tim with his Dragon Roost. Why is it that the good players always get the best cards in sealed? I was speaking to Pieter before the round and he had opened the 8/5 regenning trampler, the spirit-linked angel and a Centaur Glade. Any bets for who the winner would be today? Game 1: Play a small army of 1/1 and 2/2 creatures then Dirge of Fear past Arne's blockers for the win. Yeah baby. One more and I'm in contention for a prize. Game 2: Pretty much the same pattern. We're in a creature stand-off when Arne draws and beams a smile at me. He taps six mana and lays down a Dragon Roost, proclaiming: "I think you know what that does. Your go." I smile sweetly in return, respond: "I do. Naturalize it." Arne seems kinda pissed that I just killed his gamebreaker and retaliates by beating my head in with his fatties. Ah well, all down to game 3. Game 3: I stall on three land and watch as Arne casts creature after creature. I hold him off as long as I can but when he brings in the fatties and I have no response in hand, it's his game. Match Score: 1-1 1:00pm: We break for lunch and I head down to Coimbra's because I refuse to eat McD?'s cardboard crap. (Shameless Plug:) For those seeking a good, freshly-baked meal, I can heartily recommend their tasty wares. (I trust my cheque is in the mail.) 2:00pm: Round 3 vs B/U. Playing some guy called Laurie who seems friendly/nervous. Still undecided as to which one really, but he talked pretty much non-stop at the start of our match and at such pace that I just smiled and nodded through it all. Game 1: Mulliganed twice before keeping a one-land hand. The card disadvantage was just too much to make up for as Laurie proceeded to beat me down with his 3/3 fliers. Game 2: Sideboard in my 6CC 4/3 swampwalker (Yes, Onslaught sealed is slow enough to play such creatures). I start off with some early elf beats and consolidate a few turns later with the swampwalker. At this point, I am content to sit back behind a wall of blockers and send Gator (as he was affectionately dubbed) through for the win. Game 3: Laurie mulligans down to six and keeps. I lay down a morph on turn 3 then send it in on turn 4 while he has 4 lands on the table and 3 cards in hand. He reaches and adjusts his life total by two as I flip over the morph and sacrifice it, sending his hand to his graveyard. From that point on, he was always on the back foot and I soon amassed an army of elves that beat him into the ground. Match Score: 2-1 2:50pm: Round 4 vs G/B. This was the mirror match, and strangely enough it was against Tim. Our decks were virtually alike except for the fact that he was running wellwishers and I wasn't. With the number of elves in my deck and lack of removal, I was praying that he wouldn't draw into it. Game 1: We both come out blazing and quickly beat each other down to single digit life. I draw into my Dirge first, however, and send my creatures through for the win. Game 2: Sideboard in Gator and my other Taunting elf. Take out the Dirge (since he's running a ton of black creatures) and a 1/1 elf. This game starts off similarly to the first, except that Tim draws into the wellwisher early and sits back gaining life. I manage to bring the Collusus to the party, but with Tim gaining life like he is, he simply sits back and takes four from the beast each turn before finally swinging in with his larger hoard. Game 3: We both rush to 4 creatures a piece and then sit back waiting to topdeck an answer. I draw into it first, pulling Gator. I give him a good luck pat before sending him all the way for the game. Damn I love your overcosted crocodile ass. Match Score: 3-1 3:40pm: Round 5 vs G/R. I realise that I'm in prize contention even though I'm playing a piece of crap that has no place being at the second table. Pieter, of course, is at table 1 facing off against Emile who managed to open a Glade, a Processor and some big beats. Am forced to endure tales of how Pieter and Emile had to visit the bathroom regularly while watching Emannuelle the night before. Game 1: I mulligan twice. My deck seems to have chosen just this moment to flip me the bird, because I draw three lands in the entire game and get my ass handed to me: 20, 18, 16, 8, 0. Game 2: He stalls on two lands and I take full advantage, swinging in quickly with my elves and Severed Legions. Game 3: We both get off to quick starts and again it boils down to who can draw the big creatures first. With only two of those in my deck, things don't look good for me and he finishes on 5 life as his tusker runs me through. Match Score: 3-2 A decent day altogether and a 7th place finish overall. I guess I'm beginning to get the hang of this magic thing again. Who knows, soon I might be able to drop my "Scrub" ranking and become...gasp...a contender. One can only dream. Until next time. And remember, Yeah though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I shall fear no crotch pheasents. |