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BadAzz? MoFo?'s 2nd Annual Film Awards: The Best & Worst of 2001-2002
by Nigga Charley (from Bad Azz !MoFo? #7)
The George Dubbaya Award
for
A MOVIE THAT WANTS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BUT IS SO PATHETICALLY STUPID YOU
LAUGH AT IT
And the winner is: BABY BOY.
Once you realize this shit ain't supposed to be a comedy - and it ain't
supposed to be a comedy everything becomes kind of embarrassing. I guarantee,
you haven't laughed this hard at a flick since Kevin Costner's POSTMAN (and
even that was a better movie than this bullshit). Second only to the Devil
convincing the world he ain't real, the greatest trick ever pulled was John
Singleton convincing the world he's a good director. But BABY ROY proves
something I've known since HIGHER LEARNING and POETIC JUSTICE: Singleton
sucks like a two-dollar ho' trying to earn twenty dollars.
The Ho' Stroll Award
for
THE HARDEST WORKING ACTRESS
And the winner is: Vivica A. Fox for everything she's in.
Vivica A. Fox spends so much time workin', I know she's gotta have a pimp
somewhere, threatenin' to put a foot in her ass if she don't git his money.
Vivica has single-handedly destroyed the myth that it's hard for black
actresses to find work, while at the same time destroying the myth that if
you're black you have to be twice as good at what you do - c'mon y'all, I
know you seen her in TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME and JUWANNA MANN, and y'all
know how wack she was. On the flip side, homegirl is in so many movies that
she's bound to eventually be in a good one by accident.
The Dances With Wolves Award
for
A MOVIE ABOUT NATIVE AMERICANS THAT'S REALLY ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE
And the winner is: WINDTALKERS.
How many times do I have to say. "I don't give a shit about no white guy."
before people will start paying attention? Who the fuck is the executive that
got the bright idea to make a movie about Navajo Codetalkers in World War II,
but have the main character be a white guy? Well, whoever it was. I hope they
read what I'm about to say: You're a retarded piece of shit, and your movie
sucks. I know you think movies about minorities are better when the main
character is a white man to be deified - kinda like GLORY - but all movies
like that (GLORY included) are total shit. Fuck you for makin' something this
bad.
The Porch Monkey Award
for
A BLACK ACTOR WHO SHAMES HIS PEOPLE AND MAKES THEM WANT TO KICK HIS NO-GOOD,
UNCLE TOM ASS
And the winner is: Cuba Gooding Jr. for SNOW DOGS.
This shit was straight-up shameful and Cuba is a no-good, rat soup-eatin'
motherfucker! The way Cuba bugs his eyes and prances around for the camera,
you'd think he was auditioning for Sambo McSpook?'s All-Star Jigaboo Revue &
Hootenanny. Didn't anyone tell this dumb motherfucker that black people
getting attacked by dogs ain't funny? What's he gonna to do for his next
"family comedy", get tied to the back of a truck and dragged to death, or
get a plunger shoved up his uncle tom ass?
The Duck & Cover Award
for
A MOVIE SO BAD EVERYONE INVOLVED NEEDS TO GET PIMPSLAPPED
And the winner is: JUWANNA MANN.
You ever get the feelin' there's a conspiracy in Hollywood to only make
movies with black people that are completely retarded? Ever think maybe some
white motherfuckers are sittin' around an office, tryin' to think of ways to
humiliate black folks on film? I don't wonder about shit like that no more -
'cause I've seen JUWANNA MANN, and I know it's true. And what's up with
Vivica A. Fox as a basketball player?
The Punk-Ass Bitch Award
for
THE MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR AN ACTION HERO
And the winner is: Mark Wahlberg in PLANET OF THE APES.
I gotta be honest, my first instinct was to give this award to Ben Affleck,
'cause that motherfucker really is a pathetic excuse for an action hero - and
he's been in a ton of movies lately. But giving it to him would've been too
easy (kinda like pickin' on the retarded kid in school). So instead, Marky
Mark gets the award, 'cause you know, he just ain't Chuck Heston, and it
takes a motherfucker like Heston to kick simian ass. I don't know 'bout the
rest of you, but I kept expectin' one of them over-grown monkeys to bend
Wahlberg over, and pack his fudge. It's not like he could've done anything
about it 'cause he ain't no fuckin' action hero! Over course. I might've been
more forgiving if this movie didn`t suck shit so bad.
The Pinched Loaf Award
for
WORST PIECE OF SHIT TO STINK UP THEATRES & VIDEO STORES
And the winners are: ROLLERBALL, THE TIME MACHINE, and LARA CROFT: TOMB
RAIDER
At first you thought it was just your imagination: Hollywood was turnin' out
more steamin' piles of shit than seemed humanly possible. Well, I'm here to
tell you it wasn't your imagination. This last year saw some of the worst
motherfuckin' movies of all time released. First, we had ROLLERBAtL?. I don't
even know where to start with this nonsense. That anyone can remake a flick
as dope as the original ROLLERBALL, and fuck it up so monumentally is a
testimony the sheer retardation of every single dumb-ass involved in this
movie. If any of you are reading this - fuck you. Another fuck you to the
idiots that made THE TIME MACHINE. All I have to say to you fools is "source
material." As for LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER, that piece of shit had Angelina
Jolie runnin' around in the Arctic, and her nipples didn't get hard once!
What kind of bullshit is that! And that was just the icing on the cake.
There were quite a few other shit-sucking movies, that at least need to be
mentioned: NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER, BAD COMPANY, SLACKERS, WAKING LIFE,
TAPE, and THE MUSKETEER (which was actually the worst of the year. We just
didn't have any art to use).
The Cock Teaser Award
for
AN ACTRESS WHOSE LACK OF TALENT DOESN'T WARRANT HER KEEPING HER CLOTHES ON
And the winner is: Leelee Sobieski for everything she is in.
Let's be honest for a minute. We all know there's plenty of more talented
actresses than Leelee out there, and they've all shown their goods on film.
So why is it that this no-talent, Helen Hunt-lookin' female gets all this
work, but never has to show her titties? Somehow it just don't seem fair that
Alyssa Milano has to get nekkid in EMBRACE OF THE VAMPIRE (and God bless her
for that), but all Leelee has to do is have hard nipples throughout JOY RIDE.
To make matters worse, homegirl is one shitty actress, and with the
exception of some really perky tits, there's no reason to even pay attention
to her while she's on the screen.
Jeff Stryker Award
for
APPEARANCE BY "STRAIGHT" ACTORS IN THINLY-VEILED GAY PORN
And the winners are: The cast of AMERICAN OUTLAWS.
Let's face it. The western genre is officially dead. It wasn't doin' too well
when the double dose of crap that is YOUNG GUNS and YOUNG GUNS II hit the
screen, but at least those movies didn't have a cast of actors who look like
the cowboy from Village People. About the only thing these outlaws look
capable of doing is rump wranglin' - Hey cowboy, is that a pistol in your
pants, or are you just happy to see me? Honorable mention: Hayden Christensen
in STAR WARS: EPISODE II - ATTACK OF THE CLONES.
The Chicken Choker Award
for
A WOMAN WHO MAKES YOU TOUCH YOURSELF
And the winners are: Thora Birch in GHOST WORLD and Linda Cardellini in
SCOOBY-DOO.
Look, Nigga Charley knows some of you is upset with him for not choosing any
women of color for this prestigious award, and Nigga Charley knows where
you're comin' from. But what y'all need to understand is that this last year
offered very slim pickens when it came to the darker skinned females -
especially the type that inspire a motherfucker to touch hisself in the
shower. And besides, Nigga Charley ain't ashamed to admit he's got a thing
for white chicks, with short dark hair, who wear glasses, and carry a bit of
funk in the trunk - just like Thora Birch in GHOST WORLD. Birch has got as
much booty as a lotta sistas. Plus there's something sexy about that stuck-up
way she carries herself. Now, as for Linda Cardellini - who would've thought
anyone would be nursin' a boner for Velma from Scooby-Doo? I'lI be the first
to admit the movie was shit, but let me tell you, I went and saw that
motherfucker three times, just for the scene where Velma's titties are
hangin' out of her sweater. Nigga Charley has got a Scooby snack for her fine
ass any day of the week.
The Austin Stoker/Ken Foree (a.k.a. The One Who Got Away) Award
for
THE BLACK GUY WHO MAKES IT TO THE END OF THE MOVIE WITHOUT GETTING KILLED
And the winner is: Ice Cube in GHOSTS OF MARS.
One of the few truths in Hollywood is that if there's a brotha in a
horror/science fiction/action film, his motherfuckin' ass is probably goin'
to get killed. Around here, we call them "the expendables," and you ain't
gotta rack your brain too hard to come up with a long list of'em. But every
now and then, a brotha survives, and joins the prestigious ranks of "the
ones who got away," the two most notable being Austin Stoker in John
Carpenter's ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, and Ken Foree in George A. Romero's DAWN
OF THE DEAD. But it takes more than surviving to win this award. You can't
be a eye-buggin' jigaboo like Orlando Jones in EVOLUTION or Leon in BATS; and
you can't be Will Smith (who has a clause in his contract that he can't be
killed off). Instead you've gotta be a badass, asskickin' motherfuckcer the
kinda nigga that scares people. You gotta be Ice Cube in John Carpenter's
GHOSTS OF MARS. Sure, GHOSTS OF MARS was nothing more than a rip-off of
Carpenter's earlier ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, with just a hint of THE THING;
but it was still an entertaining motherfucker and Ice Cube don't get killed.
The Avenging Disco Godfather Award
For
A SUPER BAD SOUL BROTHA WHO FIGHTS TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE FROM EVIL WHITEYS
And the winner is: POOTIE TANG.
This motherfucker came and went from theatres quicker than you could say,
"Put your weight on it!"; but it was still one of the funniest flicks I've
seen in a long-ass time. My main man Lance Crouther stars as the most
unlikely crime fighter since Dolemite, and if you're a fan of Rudy Ray Moore
flicks, then you`ll love this flick, and if you don't love it...well, fuck
you!
The Asskicker Award
for
EXCELLENCE IN THE FINE ART OF PUTTING FOOT TO ASS
And the winners are: Mark Dacascos in BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF, Han Suk-Kyu in
SHIRI and TELL ME SOMETHING, Yumiko Shaku in THE PRINCESS BLADE, and Shrek,
the Ogre in SHREK.
I ain't about to lie to you good folks, we tried really hard to find a white
person to give this coveted award to; because, hey, you know, white people
can kick ass too. But the sad reality is that Lee Marvin is dead, Charles
Bronson is almost as old as dirt, and Clint Eastwood...well, let's just say
I seen that BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY bullshit. Hollywood's idea of action
heroes these days are fools like Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg -
and they're all punk-ass bitches (my 80 year-old, crippled Uncle Chico could
kick all their asses at the same time). Mark Dacascos - who until now was
best known for his work on the television series THE CROW: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
and the under-rated action flick DRIVE - earned his place as the greatest
American asskicker in film with his role in BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF
(actually, Dacascos is Japanese/Chinese/Filipino/Spanish/Irish-American).
Korean star Han Suk-Kyu exploded on the screen with a double dose of
asswhoopin' in the political action flick SHIRI and the psycho thriller TELL
ME SOMETHING. As far as ladies kicking ass, the pickens was mighty slim, and
Sandra Bullock in MURDER BY NUMBERS just ain't cuttin' it. Thankfully there
was Yumiko Shaku, who sliced and diced motherfuckers with her samurai sword
like she was a Super Veg-o-matic. And finally. we've got an animated, green
ogre - which should clue you in as to how bad Hollywood's selection of white
asskickers really is. But on the for real - Shrek is a stonecold
motherfucker. He battled a dragon, evil castle guards, and he got the female;
all while showing he had a sensitive side. Which kind of makes Shrek a lot
like Nigga Charley.
The Big Beat Down Award
for
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN KICKING ASS.
And the winner is: Takeshi "Beat" Kitano.
A lot of motherfuckers try to pull off that silent, stone-faced asskicker
role that Lee Marvin perfected; but there just ain't too many cats that can
get away with it. The problem is either their silence is punctuated with
retarded one-liners, or their stone face looks more like it was made out of
clay. But then you've got actor/director Takeshi "Beat" Kitano, who is so
coldblooded, it looks like he's got liquid nitrogen in his motherfuckin'
veins. Last year we got a triple dose of Kitano: in the homosexual samurai
flick TAB00?, the ultra badass BATTLE ROYALE, and the supreme foot-to-ass
yakuza bloodbath BROTHER (which he also directed).
The Kunta Kinte Award
for
BLACK FILMMAKERS WHO ESCAPE FROM HOLLYWOOD'S PLANTATION 'N DA HOOD
And the winners are: The Hughes Brothers for FROM HELL.
Forget the fact that it was a great fuckin' movie. The best thing about FROM
HELL was it was directed by the same Negroes who directed MENACE II SOCIETY
and DEAD PRESIDENTS. That shit might not seem like much, but how often do you
get to see good films, by black directors, that ain't set in the 'hood?
Traditionally, black filmmakers are relegated to making films about one
thing: black people. Hopefully the Hughes Brothers' film about Jack the
Ripper will let people know that some black filmmaken are capable of making
more than SOUL FOOD'N DA HOOD flicks.
The Motherfuckingest Award
for
THE BEST MOVIES OF 2001-2002
And the winners are: BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF, DOGTOWN & Z-BOYS, LORD OF THE
RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS, and BATTLE ROYALE.
People walk up to me all the time and ask me, "Nigga Charley, how you be
decidin' what movies get to win The Motherfuckingest Award: Ain't that a
lot of pressure, and shit?" I respond by telling these inquisitive
motherfuckers that the pressure ain't on Nigga Charley - the pressure is
on the filmmakers that's got to impress Nigga Charley. The best films of
2001-02 impressed my black ass for a variety of different reasons. French
director Christophe Cans' BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF was just plain badass -
a supernatural, kungfu, spaghetti western, political thriller set in the
years before the French Revolution. DOGTOWN & Z-BOYS, about the history
of skateboarding, was the best documentary since HOOP DREAMS. Most of y'all
saw LORD OF THE KINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS and so you know how dope
it was (and it showed how really bad George Lucas and his STAR WARS bullshit
really is). BATTLE ROYALE, directed by Kinji Fukasaku, one of the greatest
directors of all time was just some straight-up brutality at its baddest.
This motherfucker probably ain't ever going to get a legitimate release here
in the U.S.; but you can get a copy if you know where to look. And remember,
boys and girls, always support independent theatres and video stores.
The Depends Undergarment Award
for
A MOVIE THAT WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
And the winner is: AUDITION.
For the record, the last time a movie made me jump in my seat was when was
I was eight years old (the movie was GRIZZLY, in case anyone was wondering).
Since that time, I ain't been scarrd by a single film. Sure. I've been a
little unsettled, maybe been nervous, but Nigga Charley just don't get scared
by movies. Well, director Takashi Miike's AUDITION scared me so bad, my
black ass jumped out of the seat, and I screamed like a bitch. Hell, I had to
sleep with the motherfiickin' light on for aweek.
The Shit Eating Grin Award
for
A FILM THAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY & HOPELESSLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT LIFE
And the winner is: AMELIE.
There are only two people I listen to when they say to me, "You must see this
movie." One of them is the editor of this magazine. The other is: God (and
only one of them calls me on a regular basis). Now, what y'all need to know
is that this ain't the sort of flick I'd normally check out, but I'm glad I
did, 'cause this film made a motherfucker feel happy to be alive. And other
than TRUCK TURNER, ain't too many flicks that can do that.
The Bitter Pill Award
for
A FILM THAT REMINDS US HOW FUCKED UP IT IS TO BE A TEENAGER
And the winner is: GHOST WORLD.
Being a teenager ain't exactly the greatest thing in the world. In fact, the
shit is just about the most traumatic shit any motherfucker is likely to go
through. Yet somehow, most films make the teen years out to be the greatest
shit since pockets. But not GHOST WORLD. This motherfucker reminds you
exactly what it was like to be directionless, clueless, and hopeless - but
that ain`t a bad thing.
