You are on the archive wiki. The new wiki is here.

This is a little page where I'm going to post stuff that brought a smile sneaking onto my face. Feel free to add to collection - although I may be forced to veto the occasional addition ....

Men need Humvees

Dave Barry

It is time for our popular feature "Stuff That Guys Need." Today's topic is: The Humvee.
Most Americans became aware of the Humvee (military shorthand for HUgely ? Masculine VEEhickle ?) during the Gulf War, when U.S. troops, driving Humvees equipped with missile launchers, kicked Iraq's butt and taught Saddam Hussein a lesson that he would not forget for several weeks. After the war, a few wealthy Californians got hold of Humvees. This led to some mishaps, most notably when Arnold Schwarzenegger, attempting to open his garage door, accidentally launched a missile. Fortunately, it landed in a non-celebrity neighborhood.

But once the "bugs" were ironed out, the Humvee became available for civilian purchase. I test-drove one recently thanks to my co-worker Terry Jackson, who is The Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars and watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big letdown.
When I arrived at Terry's house, there was a bright yellow Humvee sitting in his driveway, covered with puddles of drool deposited by passing guys. In terms of styling, the Humvee is as masculine as a vehicle can get without actually growing hair in its wheel wells. It's a big, boxy thing with giant tires and many studly mechanical protuberances. It looks like something you'd buy as part of a toy action-figure set called "Sergeant Bart Groin and His Pain Platoon." Terry told me this particular Humvee model cost $101,000, which sounds like a lot of money until you consider its features. For example, it has dashboard switches that enable you to inflate or deflate your tires as you drive. Is that cool, or what? In a perfect guy universe, this feature would seriously impress women.

GUY: Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!

WOMAN: Pull over right now, so we can engage in wanton carnality!

Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work this way. I know this because when I took my wife for a ride in the Humvee, we had this conversation:

ME: Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!

MY WIFE: Why?

Another feature that my wife did not appreciate was the winch. This Humvee had a serious winch in front ("It can pull down a house," noted Terry). There's nothing like the feeling of sitting in traffic, knowing that you have a much bigger winch than any of the guys around you. Plus, a winch can be mighty handy in an emergency. Like, suppose some jerk runs you off the road, into a ditch. After a tow truck pulls you out, you could find out where the jerk lives, then use your winch to pull down his house.

The Humvee also boasts an engine. Terry offered to show it to me, but I have a strict policy of not looking at engines, because whenever I do, a mechanic appears and says "There's your problem right there" and charges me $758. I can tell you this, however: The Humvee engine is loud. I picture dozens of sweating men under the hood, furiously shoveling coal as Leonardo Di Caprio and Kate Winslet run gaily past.

As for comfort: Despite the Humvee's ruggedness, when it's cruising on the highway, the "ride" is surprisingly similar to that of a full-size luxury sedan being dragged across a boulder field on its roof. But a truly masculine, big-winched man does not need comfort. All he needs is the knowledge that he can take his vehicle into harsh and unforgiving terrain. And I gave the Humvee the toughest challenge you can give a car in America. That's right: I drove it to a shopping mall just before Christmas.

Perhaps you think I was foolhardy. Well, people said that the Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama was foolhardy, too, and do you remember what he did? Neither do I. But if he had not done it, I doubt that Portugal would be what it is today: a leading producer of cork.
And thus I found myself piloting the Humvee through the mall parking structure at roughly the speed of soybean growth, knowing that I was competing for the one available parking space with roughly 20,000 other motorists, but also knowing that all of them would have to stop their vehicles if they wanted to inflate or deflate their tires. The pathetic wimps! I could not help but cackle in a manly way. My wife was rolling her eyes at me, but by God I got us safely into and out of there, and I doubt that I used more than 300 gallons of fuel. So Saddam, if you're reading this, please send more.

This may be veto'ed, so laugh will you can:

http://www.xperts.co.za/reuel/claws.gif

The Very Secret Diary of Shelagh Parry

By: Eric Parry (my "baby" brother) - 2002

Day One:

Stem cells harvested and abused 3.6 billion. Go Me!
Still don't have Honours

Day Two:

Stuck in Lab with only chemicals for company, really annoying.
No Honours yet.

Day Three:

Genes Spliced: none. Disappointing.

Keep wanting to drop-kick Kim. Holding myself back.
Still no Honours.

Day Eight:

Sorry no entries lately. Been trying new things with stem cells. Close to breakthrough Nyahaha. Go Me.
No Honours today either.

Day Nine:

Stem Cells adjusted: 7. V. good.

Looking tired. Starting to suspect modified stem cells up to something.
Not Good.

Day Ten:

Beginning to find the microscope strangely attractive, Kim will kill me if I try anything.
Still no Honours.

Day Eleven:

I swear that the modified stem cells tried to kill me today, experiments continue at an advanced rate. Go me.

Starting to think I'm paranoid.
Hope this doesn't get into the hands of the stem cell resistance.

But still no Honours.

Day Twelve:

Its too late I have created a super being from my remaining loyal stem cells.

Mwahahahahahaha <twitch> <twitch>

Go me he he he he..

Still no Honours, goddammit !!!!!!!

The Gothic Bible

1.1 - 1.5

In the beginning, there was Goth. And Goth was good and the earth was formless and desolate. Everything was engulfed in total darkness and it was a really nice place. Then Goth commanded, "Let there be light" - and light appeared. Then, blinded, Goth screamed, "Too bright! Too bright!" - and Goth separated the light from the darkness and knew there'd been a terrible mistake in creating light. But it was too late. Evening passed and morning came and Goth had three cups of coffee, created sunglasses and sunscreen - that was the first day.

1.6 - 1.8

Then Goth commanded, "Let there be a dome to divide the water so my velvet doesn't get wet" - and it was done. So Goth made a dome and it separated the sky from the water below it. Goth dried his velvet and decided the decision to divide water from air was much better than the creation of light. Evening passed and morning came - that was the second day.

1.9 - 1.13

Then Goth commanded, "Let the water below the sky come together in one place, so that the land will appear" - and it was done. There was earth and there was sea and Goth was pleased that there was a solid place for dancing and carousing. Goth decided to make the solid stuff pretty and commanded, "Let the earth produce all sorts of plants" - and it was done. So the earth produced weeping willows, hemlock, poppies, lilies, roses, bella donna and daisies. Goth wasn't so pleased with the daisies, but decided to ignore them for the time being. Evening passed and morning came - that was the third day.

1.14 - 1.19

Then Goth commanded, "Let a little bit of light, but only a little bit this time, appear in the sky to separate night from day" - and it was done. Tiny sparkling stars shone in the sky and twinkled like club lights. Goth was pleased. Evening passed and morning came - that was the fourth day.

1.20 - 1.23

Then Goth commanded, "Let the water be filled with all sorts of living things, and let the air be filled with birds." So Goth created goldfish and Goth's cat spent hours watching them swim back and forth in a little glass bowl. And Goth listened to the crows caw, and was pleased. Evening passed and morning came - that was the fifth day.

1.24 - 1.31

And then Goth said, "And now I'll make a human being; it will be like me and will resemble me." So Goth created a human with pale flesh, black hair and long tapered fingernails. Goth gave it black eyeliner and black fingernail polish to play with and the human was pretty. Goth told it, "I'm putting you in charge of my goldfish. Feed them well. And the crows and all the other wild animals. I have provided all kinds of plants and stuff. Aren't I nice?" - and it was done. Goth looked at everything which had been made and was fairly satisfied, except for the whole light thing... Goth really wished the light hadn't happened but it was too late. Evening passed and morning came - that was the sixth day.

2.1 - 2.4

And so the whole universe was completed. By the seventh day Goth finished and stopped creating stuff. Goth relaxed, drank some red wine, smoked a clove and listened to the Sisters of Mercy. And that was how the universe was created.

2.15 - 2.20

Goth placed the little human in a really nice garden to cultivate and guard it. Goth told the human, "You may not wear the khakis of the tree that gives knowledge of what is preppy and what is not; if you do, you will regret it and I'll be pissed." The little human looked at the khaki tree with indifference and said, "Screw the tree. I'm lonely. Give me a pretty little goth girl."

2.21 - 2.25

So Goth slipped some nightshade into the little human's wine and made a little goth girl to keep him company so he would have someone to share his misery and depression with and to have someone to dance and drink with. The goth boy and goth girl were pale and naked, but they weren't embarassed.

3.1 - 3.3

Satan appeared. He was wearing Birkenstock sandals, khaki pants, an Old Navy sweatshirt and a Gap hat. Satan was listening to some insipid boy band on his headphones when he spied the goth girl. He said to her, "Did Goth really tell you not to wear the khakis of that tree over there?" The goth girl answered, "Yeah. Goth told us that if we did, we'd regret it."

3.4 - 3.5

Satan replied, "That's such bullshit. You won't regret it... Goth said that because Goth knows that when you wear them, you will be like Goth and know what is good and what is bad. Besides... they're not so bad... they're really comfortable."

3.6 - 3.7

The goth girl saw how soft the khakis looked and thought it'd be wonderful to become wise since she didn't even know what 'preppy' was. So she took some khakis and wore them. Then she gave a pair to the goth boy and he also wore them. As soon as that happened, they were given understanding and knew what 'preppy' was. They promptly tore off the khakis and dressed themselves in black lace and black vynil and black velvet.

3.8 - 3.13

That evening, they heard Goth wandering through the garden, humming a tune from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Goth spied the little goth boy and goth girl and was pissed. Goth cried, "Did you wear the khakis I told you not to wear?" The goth boy answered, "Ummm... she did it! She gave them to me!" Goth turned to the little goth girl and said, "You stupid bitch... why did you do this?" The little goth girl replied, "Satan made me do it."

3.14 - 3.22

Then Goth said to Satan, "Satan, you will be punished for this..." but Goth really couldn't think of anything since Satan was, after all, Satan... so Satan left and went to the mall. Goth said to the goth girl, "You will have bad cramps and bad hair days. It'll suck." And Goth said to the goth boy, "Get the fuck out of my garden. You can't play here anymore. You will now see how good you had it. In the garden, you had protection from football jocks and ignorant, mean people. You had protection from mass commercialization and The Limited and general teasing. In the garden, everyday is Halloween. Now you'll only be able to celebrate the holiday once a year."

3.23 - 3.24

So Goth sent the little goth boy and goth girl out of the garden and made them endure the taunts of ignorant preppy people. Then, at the east side of the garden, Goth placed a flaming sword which turned in all directions. This was to keep anyone from coming near the tree of khaki.

ArchAngel
AngelNotes AngelNotesArchives
AngelRants ArchAngelsWordOfTheDay
ArchAngelsProgressiveStory

AngelLaughs